There are very few things in this world that I simply fail to understand. It is true that in almost any case, if someone explains something well enough, I will understand it. I may not understand well enough to explain, myself, but I can at least grab onto the gist of the idea and go from there. Some things, though, do not allow such grasping of comprehension.
I do not understand deadbeat parents or parents who keep their children from each other. I simply cannot fathom why anyone would make a child only to abandon it. I cannot wrap my head around any parent preventing the other parent from seeing the child. It boggles my mind when women stay with abusive men who demonstrate a clear lack of interest and effort—these women bending over backwards, rubbing the men’s feet, giving them head and poon, and otherwise doing everything possible to make these men’s lives easier when these men are doing nothing to reciprocate… I do not understand.
Now, those statements are simple and broad enough to allow for easy argument. “People have babies on accident all the time.” First of all: How? Babies are not accidents. There are entirely too many ways to prevent pregnancy and even further options for terminating unwanted pregnancies for it to ever be an actual accident. Next, I could see someone saying, “Well, I keep my kids from their dad because he’s on drugs.” Okay, I get that. You don’t want your kid around an addict who is abusive. I get it. That is completely understandable. I’m on board. As for the women staying in abusive relationships, I’ve heard the other side for that, as well: “It’s so hard to get out of it because we really believe we do not deserve better, will never find better, or else there is the very real fear that he will kill us.”
What I am not on board with is how some mothers will prevent their hardworking, more-than-willing-to-provide, wonderful fathers from seeing their children. There may be dads who do the same shit, keeping their kids from seeing their moms, but I get the distinct feeling that is much less common. What I am not on board with is deadbeat parents pretending to want a place in their kids’ lives, only to never call. I am not okay with a little four-year-old girl saying, “No, it’s okay, Daddy is probably busy, I’ll just wait for him to call,” when her mother asks her if she wants to call her dad because the little girl asked why he hasn’t called in a while. I am not okay with a mother telling her children’s father, “The girls are too busy to see you,” when the daughters are ages 4 and 1. Before school age, there is no such thing as too busy, ever. Then, when kids start school, there are always breaks. Winter break, spring break, summer break, weekends. What I cannot get on board with are women who reach out for help and do not take it when it is given—those women who continue to defend and make excuses for their abusers, saying things like, “He’s just so stressed out because of factors X, Y, and Z, he’s really not like this.”
If you do not want children, use a condom or birth control. When that fails, as it does, use Plan B, spermicide, or run off to Canada for an abortion because we all know America is going back to butcher abortions within these next four years unless Angela Merkel appropriates the U.S. government for Germany. I wouldn’t complain, but I digress. If you have children, share the children. It’s okay for parents to split up. It’s okay for relationships to fail and for people to move on and find love in others. But there are things that are simply not okay.
It is not okay to withhold your children from their parent. It is not okay for you to influence your children’s opinions of their parents. When you tell your little girl that her father is some kind of piece of shit, when that man was willing to support your ass to be a stay-at-home mom, you are wrong. When that man supplied you with your own cigarettes and never complained about you stealing the ones he had for himself, you are wrong for demonizing him. When that man was bending over backwards to make you happy, I disagree with you dumping him out of the blue for someone who is far less productive and has three additional children. Yes, that is quite the specific example, but they are specific examples that have inspired this post.
It is not okay to treat your partner like shit. I cannot and will not tolerate my friends being treated worse than they deserve. When my friend tells me that nothing she does is enough for her man, I want to tell her to leave him, but it is against my spirituality to provide unsolicited advice. Therefore, I ask if she wants advice or sympathy. When she says she’s not sure, I opt for sympathy but slip in a word of advice to test the waters. I say things like, “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that right now,” and, “You deserve better, that’s bullshit.” My advice sounds like, “If you treated him the way he treats you, he would have left a long time ago.” I want her to see what I see and I want her to leave him if he’s not putting anything into the relationship. I simply cannot understand the mentality that makes someone allow anyone to walk all over them.
I will end this entry with some good news. While there are these things that I cannot comprehend, I am grateful to spend time with friends. I took a high chair to Federal Way for my friend’s youngest daughter, then took another friend out to her neighborhood Applebee’s—on her dime, because I’m waiting for my check, but still. She needed the time out and someone to accompany her, so I took a friend with me and there were three of us. Even these good times, though, are marred by darkness around me. Deadbeat parents, withholding parents, abusive men… It is true that social issues are important.
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