What "The Struggle" Looks Like... with Depression

            For the sake of authenticity, this post is a one-shot. That means it was drafted and posted with very little review or editing.

            Monday came this week with great ado: This is the day of the Total Solar Eclipse. There was much fanfare and many social media updates with photos of the sun varying in quality.

            I awoke with my daughter, ready to face the day and accomplish a set list of tasks. My intention was to do laundry, work out, get homework done, and clean up my room at least a little. So, I began my day slowly, as tends to happen when I don’t have school or actual requirements for a day.

            Things began well. I put my daughter on the toilet, dressed her (in big-girl panties!), gave her breakfast, dressed myself and prepared for the gym, and drank my morning tea. I stopped to visit my friend on my way to the gym. It was a good time and I felt good about how the day was going. I wasn’t even upset about missing the eclipse, as there’s another one in the United States in 2024. I’ll drive to Texas to see it, even. It doesn’t bother me.

            I got to the gym and they told me that because I haven’t been a member with Planet Fitness for 90 days yet, I can’t change my home gym, and because I can’t change my home gym, I can’t work out at the Tacoma location again unless I pay a $5 franchise fee. Well, that’s just asinine, so I told them to suck it by saying, “Thanks anyway,” and walking away.

            Coming home, I thought I might go for a run while Persephone slept. She had yet to go down, so we had some lunch and I even cooked my breakfast to eat for the next two days. My plan was to get Persephone down after lunch and get busy working out, but then I heard from my friend. I thought he’d be able to work out with me, so I postponed working out and instead made progress on an essay for my communications class.

            My friend’s car broke down, so he couldn’t take me to my home gym for us to work out, so I finished my homework. Then, miraculously, my grandpa gave up the TV and I was able to start Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 by Richard Simmons. The video started and I don’t like it nearly as well as I like the first Sweatin’ to the Oldies “aerobic concert” of his, but I was determined to get through it just to have done an exercise.

            Alas, I was interrupted by my daughter, waking from her nap with a load of poop in her pull-up.

            Inexplicably, all good humor was gone from me. Without shouting or even saying a word to my daughter, I gathered the materials to change her and went about it. I said very little except to direct her to lie down for cleaning and then get up when I was done. I allowed her to get her big-girl panties from our room and wear them, despite having had a poopy accident, because she’s done very well these past couple of days with using the toilet.

            Suddenly, I was filled with sadness. Depression, even, and I asked Persephone for a hug to help me feel better. She was happy to oblige.

            When I say that my depression is a daily struggle, this is what I mean. None of these events was enough to put me in a mood. Nothing that happened on this day could possibly have been enough of a trigger to set me into a depressive spiral, and yet here I am, wondering why I feel like garbage.

            To itemize my day like this makes me sound like I’m whining about choices I made. That isn’t the case. Things are outlined in this post because I felt it relevant to show that it doesn’t matter how well a day is going (there has been very little wrong with today), depression can come at any time and hit as hard as it wants to.

            Everyone goes through ups and downs. Some days are all up; some days are all down; some days are a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone experiences this. Some people might think that what I went through today is nothing short of normal, but here’s the way I see it: Normal would be the ability to recognize that the day has really been quite productive and refrain from the crippling, all-consuming depression that enveloped me for some time, this afternoon. Even as I write this, I feel it lingering. Every keystroke is a hand, grasping upwards to avoid falling into the bottomless pit of sorrow and meaninglessness.

            Thanks for reading.

Year 3: Party!

            Persephone’s party was a complete, raging success!

            Two other girls attended, Lily and Cora, and the three of them had a great time playing together, separately, and in the water! There was much running, jumping, splashing, and squealing, and all girls enjoyed riding the kids’ cars in the yard. The little boy, Ollie, enjoyed eating delicious pizza and a cupcake, getting frosting all over his hands and mouth and staining his skin blue. He also enjoyed running, riding, and squealing outside with the girls, though as a younger kid, he was a bit more detached and on his own.

            All kids were closely watched. As hostess, I fluttered between the girls playing and the boy running around, when outside. Of course, Ollie’s parents followed him closely, watching like hawks, and Lily’s and Cora’s parents watched from the kiddie pool as the girls played. It worked very well and I’m proud of myself for hosting such a great event, especially since my grandparents left before the party ended.

            I’m so incredibly grateful to those who attended. They really helped to make it great. Without the help of my friends, I would not have been able to wrap presents and decorate quickly enough to be fully ready for the party to start on time. I could not be more grateful for my support network, such as it is and such as I am building it.

            Persephone’s presents were many and varied, and we don’t have room in the house for all of them. Her Minnie Mouse table and chairs, which I bought for her, will be stored in the pump house with many of our other belongings, until we find a house for ourselves. Presents included:

·         A kitty-cat purse.

·         Doc McStuffins toys:

o   A kit included Doc’s lab coat and shirt, a stethoscope, and an ID badge.

o   I bought her an “on call” kit that includes a flashlight, miniature purse, and compact.

·         A Barbie food truck, complete with Barbie, cupcakes, cups, and other accessories.

·         Two Disney Princess dolls:

o   Princess Jasmine.

o   Princess Belle.

·         A unicorn towel.

·         Paw Patrol attire:

o   Paw Patrol pajamas!

o   Paw Patrol summer dress!

·         A beautiful, red, long-sleeved Minnie Mouse dress with a sparkly tutu skirt.

·         A sparkly, pink summer dress with pretty, sparkly stars.

·         A drum music kit containing various percussive instruments.

·         Cards from various people:

o   Grandparents!

o   Guests!

o   Family members!

·         About 7 little ponies in the style of “My Little Pony.”

·         A whole LOT of books!!

o   “Disney’s Wonderful World of Knowledge,” years 1978-1987.

o   “Five Little Monkeys.”

o   “The Night Sky” book.

o   “Charlie Brown’s 2^nd Book of Amazing Answers.”

·         Disney Princess bibs: Cinderella and Aurora.

·         Play-Doh.

            Today, my friend Kate showed up with a Lambie (literally, the Lambie toy from Doc McStuffins) for Persephone as a birthday present! She really loved it. I'm so happy to have given her such a great third birthday.