For
the sake of authenticity, this post is a one-shot. That means it was drafted
and posted with very little review or editing.
Monday
came this week with great ado: This is the day of the Total Solar Eclipse.
There was much fanfare and many social media updates with photos of the sun
varying in quality.
I
awoke with my daughter, ready to face the day and accomplish a set list of
tasks. My intention was to do laundry, work out, get homework done, and clean
up my room at least a little. So, I began my day slowly, as tends to happen
when I don’t have school or actual requirements for a day.
Things
began well. I put my daughter on the toilet, dressed her (in big-girl
panties!), gave her breakfast, dressed myself and prepared for the gym, and
drank my morning tea. I stopped to visit my friend on my way to the gym. It was
a good time and I felt good about how the day was going. I wasn’t even upset
about missing the eclipse, as there’s another one in the United States in 2024.
I’ll drive to Texas to see it, even. It doesn’t bother me.
I
got to the gym and they told me that because I haven’t been a member with
Planet Fitness for 90 days yet, I can’t change my home gym, and because I can’t
change my home gym, I can’t work out at the Tacoma location again unless I pay
a $5 franchise fee. Well, that’s just asinine, so I told them to suck it by
saying, “Thanks anyway,” and walking away.
Coming
home, I thought I might go for a run while Persephone slept. She had yet to go
down, so we had some lunch and I even cooked my breakfast to eat for the next
two days. My plan was to get Persephone down after lunch and get busy working
out, but then I heard from my friend. I thought he’d be able to work out with
me, so I postponed working out and instead made progress on an essay for my
communications class.
My
friend’s car broke down, so he couldn’t take me to my home gym for us to work
out, so I finished my homework. Then, miraculously, my grandpa gave up the TV
and I was able to start Sweatin’ to the
Oldies 2 by Richard Simmons. The video started and I don’t like it nearly
as well as I like the first Sweatin’ to
the Oldies “aerobic concert” of his, but I was determined to get through it
just to have done an exercise.
Alas,
I was interrupted by my daughter, waking from her nap with a load of poop in
her pull-up.
Inexplicably,
all good humor was gone from me. Without shouting or even saying a word to my
daughter, I gathered the materials to change her and went about it. I said very
little except to direct her to lie down for cleaning and then get up when I was
done. I allowed her to get her big-girl panties from our room and wear them,
despite having had a poopy accident, because she’s done very well these past
couple of days with using the toilet.
Suddenly,
I was filled with sadness. Depression, even, and I asked Persephone for a hug
to help me feel better. She was happy to oblige.
When
I say that my depression is a daily struggle, this is what I mean. None of
these events was enough to put me in a mood. Nothing that happened on this day
could possibly have been enough of a trigger to set me into a depressive
spiral, and yet here I am, wondering why I feel like garbage.
To
itemize my day like this makes me sound like I’m whining about choices I made.
That isn’t the case. Things are outlined in this post because I felt it
relevant to show that it doesn’t matter how well a day is going (there has been
very little wrong with today), depression can come at any time and hit as hard
as it wants to.
Everyone
goes through ups and downs. Some days are all up; some days are all down; some
days are a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone experiences this. Some people
might think that what I went through today is nothing short of normal, but here’s
the way I see it: Normal would be the
ability to recognize that the day has really been quite productive and refrain
from the crippling, all-consuming depression that enveloped me for some time,
this afternoon. Even as I write this, I feel it lingering. Every keystroke is a
hand, grasping upwards to avoid falling into the bottomless pit of sorrow and
meaninglessness.
Thanks for reading.
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