Tinted Glasses

You perceive of me only what you wish to see,

but I’m a human with flaws, like you.

Like him, you’re quick to say, “It’s not me;

it’s you, you’re wrong,” but I can see through

it now; things will play how they must be.

At the end of the day, see, I have my crew.

How many close relationships does he keep?

Tones would change if you knew what I knew.

But you could never be wrong.

I recognize when I’m wrong, I write it down,

take note to make the needed change

and work on it every single day, through the frowns

that come when I’m feeling a little strange.

I’m learning every single day, yet like a clown

you recognize nothing of import, set a stage

to paint me as a villain all the way around.

To think I’d wanted to chalk ignorance up to age.

But you could never be wrong.

If this were a movie, we could flip; we could switch

perspectives, and maybe then you would see

the truth instead of calling me a rude bitch.

 Unfortunately, I can tell when it comes to me,

there’s nothing you want to see but that which

makes you pretty and helps you feel free.

So, then, like a disease, you pull at every last stitch

on my heart, doing your best to unravel me.

But you could never be wrong.

The meaning behind your words is so devoid,

I can practically feel your desperation

to control everything and monitor the noise

coming out of every radio station.

Your eyes glaze over, all you care for are coins,

ears plugged while you make accusations.

Your masks are so thin, it’s no wonder your boys

are so easily discovered, peeled like crustaceans.

But you could never be wrong.

Heaven forbid you see things through the eyes

of any person other than yourself,

but I won’t join in your pity-party or lies

or enable the bullshit to come back off the shelf.

I’m done with you and your slithering spies.

But you could never be wrong.

Perception

Mindful practice leads to mindful expression,

yet my words bring on unwarranted projection

of a psychotic, horrible, toxic perception

of unfolded events; denial; rejection.

Boomerangs aren’t my style; I prefer seeds

to plant as thoughts that, like food, feed

some ideas that might just let you see,

if I explain it right, I’m a human with needs.

Reputations do not depend on one person’s thoughts;

actions explain themselves, reason is sought,

and when reason comes up naught,

then, only then, is the true villain caught.

Those without balance devise their own doom,

regardless of dark or light on their loom

of life; the organization of their living room

does nothing to stop the disastrous boom.

“Unacceptable,” the consensus does say;

the same word is uttered every day

as an assessment of the inexplicable way

he decided he no longer wanted to stay.

A tiny spirit, confused, heartbroken, trampled and torn

over sudden abandonment, sharp as a thorn;

I do what I can to ease her pain, while my scorn

comes out in writing; yet it’s seen as something worn.

Distance, closed by screens yet expanded by air,

I am here and you’re all the way over there;

you will never see the why and the where,

the what or how I soothe her when she’s scared.

Shit: A Poem

If you ain’t about shit,

then you ain’t shit.

I’m done; no time for bullshit.

It’s time to be grown.

You can be about your own shit,

or someone else’s shit.

But if you’re on some other shit,

it’s time for me to go.

At last, I see what’s wrong with shit.

I hadn’t noticed this shit:

People not maintaining their shit,

their dwellings in disrepair.

I’ll tell you all about my shit,

’cause I’m about a lot of shit.

But I am done with bullshit,

and all you can do is stare.

Watch me rise higher than any shit

you’ve seen before; my shit

will have you saying, “Shit,

man, I need more!”

But I’m a selfish bitch; you’re shit

cause you ain’t about your shit.

I’ve seen the way you live: bullshit

owns you from your core.

Irresponsible like some child’s shit,

you play with nothing but shit.

You talk to spread some bullshit

and never wash your clothes.

I tell you now, I’m done with that shit.

Grown-ass people recognize shit,

but you’re so damn stuck in bullshit,

you can’t see past your nose.

What "The Struggle" Looks Like... with Depression

            For the sake of authenticity, this post is a one-shot. That means it was drafted and posted with very little review or editing.

            Monday came this week with great ado: This is the day of the Total Solar Eclipse. There was much fanfare and many social media updates with photos of the sun varying in quality.

            I awoke with my daughter, ready to face the day and accomplish a set list of tasks. My intention was to do laundry, work out, get homework done, and clean up my room at least a little. So, I began my day slowly, as tends to happen when I don’t have school or actual requirements for a day.

            Things began well. I put my daughter on the toilet, dressed her (in big-girl panties!), gave her breakfast, dressed myself and prepared for the gym, and drank my morning tea. I stopped to visit my friend on my way to the gym. It was a good time and I felt good about how the day was going. I wasn’t even upset about missing the eclipse, as there’s another one in the United States in 2024. I’ll drive to Texas to see it, even. It doesn’t bother me.

            I got to the gym and they told me that because I haven’t been a member with Planet Fitness for 90 days yet, I can’t change my home gym, and because I can’t change my home gym, I can’t work out at the Tacoma location again unless I pay a $5 franchise fee. Well, that’s just asinine, so I told them to suck it by saying, “Thanks anyway,” and walking away.

            Coming home, I thought I might go for a run while Persephone slept. She had yet to go down, so we had some lunch and I even cooked my breakfast to eat for the next two days. My plan was to get Persephone down after lunch and get busy working out, but then I heard from my friend. I thought he’d be able to work out with me, so I postponed working out and instead made progress on an essay for my communications class.

            My friend’s car broke down, so he couldn’t take me to my home gym for us to work out, so I finished my homework. Then, miraculously, my grandpa gave up the TV and I was able to start Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 by Richard Simmons. The video started and I don’t like it nearly as well as I like the first Sweatin’ to the Oldies “aerobic concert” of his, but I was determined to get through it just to have done an exercise.

            Alas, I was interrupted by my daughter, waking from her nap with a load of poop in her pull-up.

            Inexplicably, all good humor was gone from me. Without shouting or even saying a word to my daughter, I gathered the materials to change her and went about it. I said very little except to direct her to lie down for cleaning and then get up when I was done. I allowed her to get her big-girl panties from our room and wear them, despite having had a poopy accident, because she’s done very well these past couple of days with using the toilet.

            Suddenly, I was filled with sadness. Depression, even, and I asked Persephone for a hug to help me feel better. She was happy to oblige.

            When I say that my depression is a daily struggle, this is what I mean. None of these events was enough to put me in a mood. Nothing that happened on this day could possibly have been enough of a trigger to set me into a depressive spiral, and yet here I am, wondering why I feel like garbage.

            To itemize my day like this makes me sound like I’m whining about choices I made. That isn’t the case. Things are outlined in this post because I felt it relevant to show that it doesn’t matter how well a day is going (there has been very little wrong with today), depression can come at any time and hit as hard as it wants to.

            Everyone goes through ups and downs. Some days are all up; some days are all down; some days are a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone experiences this. Some people might think that what I went through today is nothing short of normal, but here’s the way I see it: Normal would be the ability to recognize that the day has really been quite productive and refrain from the crippling, all-consuming depression that enveloped me for some time, this afternoon. Even as I write this, I feel it lingering. Every keystroke is a hand, grasping upwards to avoid falling into the bottomless pit of sorrow and meaninglessness.

            Thanks for reading.

Mental Illness and Social Media

Shit happens and then you die.

            That’s the way life works. If you don’t like it, that’s just too bad. It doesn’t matter what you do, there will always be obstacles to your success. In the absence of obstacles and in the absence of pain comes entitlement, greed, and gluttony. Without boundaries, humans are lost.

            My husband and I have not been separated for very long. It’s been just over two months. I’ve moved with extreme quickness on many matters since the separation, so much so that it feels like it’s been much longer than it has. It also still feels like yesterday, some days.

            Negativity has no place on my social media profiles. Snapchat is a good outlet if I need to vent, since the video clips disappear after 24 hours. It’s the one and only social media outlet that is exclusively about me and my reactions to things, rather than my response. As someone who needs a great deal of attention and must vent to multiple outlets in order to avoid feeling like a burden upon others, I need Snapchat for this purpose. Still, I do not update my Snapchat Story every day. I may not even update my Story every week. These days, there is very little to which I want to react negatively.

            I have filled my Facebook page with as much positive information as I can share about my life and that of my daughter. My Instagram account is nothing but the joy I work to create for myself and my daughter. My blog exists to let others know that they are not alone, I am not perfect, and it is my interest to uplift others and help them on their paths to success.

            Still, I see others who seem completely incapable of doing what it takes to get better. I share my information with those who ask for help. I respond to those who reach out for advice and I give them what has worked for me. I give them what has been proven to work for most people in our positions.

            The fact is, I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. That is my primary diagnosis. I suffer as well from anxiety, misophonia, and PTSD, but those do not impact my disability claim through the VA. I don’t think I need extra money for my extra issues. What I know is that I need to continue doing what I know is effective, even if the effect isn’t the same every day.

            Every single day is a struggle. The level of struggle depends on the day: My activities vary throughout the week, as well as my ability to get out of the house. If I am stuck with one or both of my grandparents for the majority of the day and do not have a chance to get away, I find myself tired and without patience much more quickly and easily than if I’m able to get out in the morning and do what I need to do for myself.

            So, when I see depressive statuses on Facebook, they disgust me. I used to be one of the people posting those things, asking people to be mental illness apologists.

The message in these posts reads something like this: “It’s okay, it’s just who I am. I’m sick, but you should love me anyway.”

Yes, these people absolutely do deserve love anyway, but that doesn’t mean they should stop trying to get better. I know what works for me and I fight against my illnesses every step of the way. Some days are more successful in these endeavors than others. My extenuating circumstances differ from those around me. I understand all of this.

            Still, I find myself disappointed when a friend tells me I’m wrong. When a friend tells me that it isn’t enough to base my statements on my own experiences in addition to the research I’ve done, I’m dismayed. I know how this works. I realize that some people need medication to balance their chemicals in their brains. Still, I’m convinced there are natural remedies. Why?

            I’m convinced of natural remedies being superior to pharmaceuticals because of a strong trend I’ve observed among the mentally ill. Every person I know, have read about, or have heard about has said the same thing about prescribed psychotropic medications: “It makes me feel fuzzy.” No one likes the “fuzzy” feeling. We, as a species, want to feel alert and clear in our minds. No singular medication or method of treatment works for every single medically ill individual, but that is why it’s called a struggle.

            Herbal remedies, exercise, socialization, and maintaining a journal and planner are all helpful to me. Pharmaceutical pills are always detrimental and the only ones left available to me to try based on my issues are those that cause weight gain. With a goal of losing weight, how is a pill that causes weight gain supposed to help me? With the desire to be in control of my own life, how I feel, and what I do, how is a medication that fogs my brain supposed to be beneficial?

            I will never try to debunk doctors’ works. Research has been done extensively to create medications for a wide variety of medical issues, including mental health problems. There are prescription medicines out there that treat mental illnesses I witness in my friends.

            The thing is, I think society is a bigger problem than what’s going on in their heads, as I think society caused such anxieties, depressions, and other problems. One day, I may do more and have more impact for those who suffer. I may be much more helpful to others around me, in the future. For now, I must continue to focus on my own self-care, self-improvement, and self-esteem. Those who cannot find the joy in their lives, cannot create it for themselves, or simply dismiss what I know is wisdom, can continue on their paths as they choose, but I may not choose to keep them close to me, anymore.

A Letter to Self

Dear Ally,

This may be the longest letter I ever write. You are worth every word, every moment of effort put into this, just so you can see the words for yourself, from me. It's time to start seeing yourself as worthy of love, acceptance, and kindness.

It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to be unsure and it's okay not to know what's going to happen next, how long a chapter in your life will last, or when something will transition into a better thing. It's okay to be kind and loving to everyone, even those who are abusive, and it is okay to tell the truth, even if others do not like it or agree.

"If I encounter evil and I am not ready, I can still win if I do not compete." (Unknown.)

Now that you've processed and released your feelings towards him for what happened, it's time to recognize yourself. You've caught your reflection as you've written letter after letter to various individuals and personalities in your life. Now it's time I spoke to you.

The Gut may be overrated, but it is also underused by many. Many people have subscribed to "Head over Heart" thinking and have lost touch with their intuition and natural guidance in life. Darkness is attracted to those who lose touch with reality, and I watched you lose touch with yourself and sight of what's important to you. I watched you compromise your core values for him. Don't do that again.

You cannot sit back and wait for another person to read your mind. You cannot expect someone to know what you want all of the time. You were born in the United States of America, one country of many in the Americas whose culture is that of the low-context variety, meaning the assumption is that the person next to you differs in thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values. Yet, you operated as though you were brought up in a high-context culture, as though the people around you are supposed to share your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values, and you sat back as though in such a culture and expected people to read your mind. You're not in that kind of culture, and you don't have the power to change the culture in which you were raised, by yourself.

It takes action to change habits. Consistency is the only key and the only way to improve. Your emotions are powerful and you've allowed them to govern your actions. This is not acceptable; it never has been, nor will it ever be. There is merit to "Head over Heart" thinking, when used correctly. Keep improving your response, rather than trying to tailor your reaction. Forward thinking, planning, and prevention are the things that will get you the furthest in life. Lack of proper planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on part of another. Feel your emotions and allow them to course through you. Start using your head based on what you feel in your heart, and use your heart to know what's right when making forward-thinking decisions.

It's easier to see the ways you can improve now that you have a planner that outlines it for you. How convenient for you to have your journal right next to it in your bag. Every day has the most potential to be successful. Perhaps I don't need to point out your areas for improvement or tell you you're slacking. You've always been so quick to pick up your own shortcomings; this is something those around you seem to fail to notice, more often than not. You look at yourself more than others through this mirror I hold... and you know, although you are quite attentive to what really matters, you've been slacking here and there.

Bad habits die hard, especially when they've been reinforced. But it doesn't matter what you say or what anyone else says. Your expectations for the relationships you've had have been ridiculous, at times. You were certainly convinced he was "the one," that he was perfect for you. Although you've burned away the negativity and taken back the ill will in the form of guilt and shame, still you're hurt. What matters now is what you've done these past two months. You've been constructive, positive, and happy, and your daughter is picking it up. She's doing much better now, with you, than she was doing before.

It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to love yourself. You've given so much of yourself, you've forgotten who you are. You've compromised so much of yourself to change who you are to try pleasing someone else. What if he did that, too, to an extent? You believed in him wholeheartedly. You were on his team when everyone else told you things that put him in a bad light. You defended him against all of your friends. You believed he could be better, if only you could find the way to reach him and communicate effectively. Yes, he lied to you, but what if he truly believed he had good intentions? It's not about blame, at this point. It's about forgiveness and love. The love is still there, and it may always be. It's okay to still have love for him. Without that love, the relationship would not have begun in the first place. Without that love, your daughter wouldn't be here.

It does not do to let go of love. Instead, let go of the pain, the fear, the anger, the darkness. You've been so attracted to darkness for so long. Darkness can be beautiful and it can be useful, but think of your namesake, Ally. Think of the meaning behind your first name, derived from Alice: "Of a noble kind; noble; honorable." Next, think of your middle names' meanings; Virginia: "The maiden; virgin," and Marie: "Sea of bitterness/sorrow; rebellion; wished-for child; Mistress or Lady of the sea." Darkness is in your very name, preceded by light and innocence. There's a lot of light out there to be shared; we do not need others to feel our darkness. They are just as aware of it, through their own experiences.

I love you. Usually, I've said it to you more as a joke. I've sarcastically laughed and said, "I kill myself!" as a euphemism for laughing at your jokes for finding you hilarious. Briefly, in those moments, your confidence is greatly bolstered, and I shine for you. But then you retreat, almost as quickly as you came to surface. Back into whatever troubles you, whatever it is you've desperately been trying to make others see.

Do what you like to do, love. You enjoy cooking; you enjoy having a clean home. Even mundane chores are fun to you, when you've got the right groove going. Now, you've found people who help you into your groove. Hold on to them. Love them. Allow my daughter to love them. Love is never the problem, fear is. You have a lot of both, yet you've allowed fear to govern you for too long.

You're afraid of love. It's terrible, yet it's true. You're afraid to hear me tell you, earnestly, that I love you, yet here I am. I do. You're at your best when you accept me, and it's time. You can trust me. I will not lead you astray, and if I do, you already know I'll make it right immediately--or as immediately as possible.

If they dance with demons, let them have them. Those are not your demons; you needn't accept them into your life. Let others fall for the Glamour before their eyes; it is not your concern if you cannot enlighten them or open their eyes with kindness or good intentions. Go with love in all that you do and remember the Celtic blessing from the stranger on the street:

"Let those who love us, love us. For those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts so that they love us. For those who do not love us, whose hearts God cannot turn, then may God turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping." -Celtic Blessing (Unknown)

Love,
You

Drastic Change: Paradise Lost, or Paradise Found

May was a tumultuous month, though not altogether unpleasant. Naturally, my birthday came and went, and I managed to have a good time! Now it is June and things are so completely different than they were back then, it's hard to know where to begin.

So, I suppose I can begin by saying I am nowhere near where I thought I would be, today. I had a great birthday--my grandmother took my daughter and me out to lunch at a nice restaurant and I got a massage and a facial. Later in the week, I had my "Always" tattoo finished and I am in love with it! What happened after my birthday was supposed to be a smooth transition. It was supposed to be smoother than any transition prior.

It wasn't. Instead of continuing on the course I had set with my husband, I was derailed by an intervention from my best friend. He was the one and only person in my life to point out the ways in which I was not living the way I wanted to. He was the one to point out why I was unhappy, while I ignored many problems that continued to grow within my home life. His intervention, with some help from his wife, really provoked me to take immediate action.

And so, instead of taking off to California at the end of May, I sat down in our ever-emptier house and began a conversation with my husband. I wasn't sure where I would end up in this conversation or even what I wanted him to say. The problem was, it seemed he only wanted to give me words I would want to hear. So, when he brought up the word "divorce," for probably the third time in the duration of our marriage, I thought about it seriously for the first time.

Where I am now is not where I wanted to be, but it has turned out to be better for me than I could have imagined. There are downsides, of course: The Internet usage is limited to 5GB per month until further notice; the computer I use does not have Microsoft Word for easy blog making; I have yet to figure out where or how I should set up my computer to do my art. But there are many upsides, as well: I unplug much more often and interact with my daughter and my family; I have my little girl on a meal and potty schedule and she is thriving under my care; I watch old Disney movies with my daughter every chance we get and I take her to the park at every opportunity to let her play. There is not a day that goes by in which she doesn't have a total blast playing with toys, watching cartoons, playing outside, and talking our ears off.

We're staying with my grandparents for now. I've begun seeing professionals in the Mental Health Clinic at the American Lake Veterans Association. My goal is to set up couples counseling, as it has always been my desire and my goal to have a healthy, lengthy marriage that is strong, stable, and lasts. Unfortunately, shortly after I expressed my desire to set up couples counseling, my husband took off in his car across Canada, driving east back to his home state. I hope he is happy, staying with his mother and receiving the validation he so craves.

Meanwhile, I have paid off several overdue bills related to our relationship and the house we rented together. I have realized, with help from family and friends, there are many ways in which I allowed myself to feel the way I did and I allowed him to make me feel worse. There are many things coming to light in his absence that have been shocking, disheartening, and even heartwarming.

We are halfway through June. The difficulty has only just begun. I've broken down crying, sobbing my eyes out while I was home alone, over ideas of what I should do for myself and my daughter. I've received various messages from him and responded as kindly and pleasantly as possible, while the nastiest and dirtiest thoughts crossed my mind. He called me hateful and spiteful and I know those things are inside of me but they are not what run my life.

I will never again allow someone to dictate my life in such a way that I act out in hateful, spiteful ways, nor will I allow someone again to make me feel as though everything I do is pointless. Regardless of who did what while we were together, I know now how to make myself feel good about myself. It is a process. It is a practice. It is difficult. It is not a linear path; I fall and I have to get back up. But now that the rotten apple has fallen from the tree, the tree is growing yet again and it's healthier than ever.

Prioritizing Progress

Humans are an emotional bunch. We are volatile because we feel things very deeply and very intensely. When it comes down to it, though, I believe we all want the same thing: Peace and harmony. The question is, and always has been, how do we attain it?

            There are many ideas and many opinions surrounding what the primary priority should be for the future of humanity. Businessmen say we must focus entirely on the economy to ensure we have a future to look forward to. Environmentalists say we must take action to stop and reverse global warming. Social justice warriors say that we must focus most intensely on social issues and encourage people to treat each other with love, respect, and dignity, in order to move forward progressively. All of these ideas and opinions have merit—some more than others.

            Some of the most educated and intelligent people of our time will insist that climate change must be our first priority. After all, if we do not have an environment to live in, what kind of future are we propelling towards? Many organizations exist in the names of sustainability and reversing the damage already done by humans, such as 350.org (https://350.org/) and Greenpeace (http://www.greenpeace.org/usa/). Evidence of climate change can be seen in the Arctic, where sea ice melts more every day, starving more polar bears. The climate change has bees dying in numbers large enough to seriously threaten the ecosystem—along with our pollution. Climate change is only one issue environmentalists face. Pollution causes far more damage than just heating up the atmosphere or killing off a species or two; pollution can be seen in the millions of disposable plastic items filling our coastlines and waters, choking and suffocating increasingly more aquatic life and polluting the bloodstreams of entire food chains. How will humans survive climate change if the ecosystem is destroyed by our thoughtlessness and apathy?

            Others believe we must focus on economic well-being. Without a good economy, they say, there is no point in having a good environment. People who view economic interests as a higher priority than environmental concerns believe that environmentalists and actions people encourage others to take to help the environment only encourage people to move backwards—to live simpler lives and to stop doing things. Corporatists and economists believe that environmentalists want to return humanity to a prehistoric era of caveman-esque living, such as hunting and gathering and essentially acting as any other mammal on Earth. Most economists believe that the environment is worth fighting for and saving, as they recognize that this is our one and only Earth and if we want to survive, we must treat it well. However, views as to which environmental aspects should be prioritized vary greatly among economists, as can be seen by the above graphic.

            Still others believe that social issues are of the utmost importance and must be addressed immediately. Gallup.com (http://www.gallup.com/poll/1675/most-important-problem.aspx) conducted a number of surveys to determine what Americans see has the most important issues facing the country. Such topics as the environment, politics, and the legal system were covered. Social justice warriors view social issues and political issues as the highest priority facing humanity because they think that there is no point in having a good environment if humans continue treating each other poorly—with excessive cruelty and abuse. If we cannot unite as a race, social justice warriors may argue, how will we ever come together to save the environment or anything else? Social justice warriors recognize the importance of facts and research. They do not deny the importance of environmental issues or economic issues. Instead, they choose to focus on that which they feel is closest to home and of the utmost importance: Society.

            All this can seem confusing for someone who sees the merit in every point of view. With so many issues needing solutions, how should we choose our priorities and act on them? How can we band together and create fast, sustainable, positive change? Those who have asked this question have come up with multiple solutions, though today’s most evident seem to be memes. It is important to be informed on all subjects when considering how to take action or what action to take. Personally, I side with the environmentalists, but as someone who recognizes the importance of every issue, I think that environmentalism can be marketed to all demographics. I believe that we, as a race—as a species on planet Earth—can unite as a whole behind the right cause and I believe the right cause is finding a way to live with nature in a sustainable way. I do not believe we need to eliminate much, if any, of what we currently do as a species; instead, I think we should change the way we do things so that we are more efficient. The greenhouse gasses we emit into the air can be captured and reused and put into the Earth as nutrients. Our buildings can be made to act like organisms and maximize the efficiency of energy and water usage. Using science, we have united the people of America before with images of our planet from space—unprecedented images that showed us without a doubt that our borders are imaginary and we are one of many life forms inhabiting Earth. We need another event such as what we had at the height of the Space Age to bring people together behind the causes that affect us all.

            It is easy for a Christian to demonize a Muslim due to lack of understanding. It is easy for white people to disregard the struggles of people of color by thinking, “It doesn’t affect me.” People imagine borders between countries as real things of great importance that protect their ways of life and their well-being and consider interlopers to be threats to their safety. It is easy to forget to be kind when others in your life have shown you nothing but cruelty. In order to reach the hearts of others, we must put ourselves in their position and look through their eyes. See where they’re coming from and meet them on their side of the fence. It is not easy, but it is worth it. Not every mind will be changed. Not everyone appreciates politeness, courtesy, or information. But it cannot be denied that more hearts are reached through kindness and consideration than through bull-headedness and rudeness.