Drastic Change: Paradise Lost, or Paradise Found

May was a tumultuous month, though not altogether unpleasant. Naturally, my birthday came and went, and I managed to have a good time! Now it is June and things are so completely different than they were back then, it's hard to know where to begin.

So, I suppose I can begin by saying I am nowhere near where I thought I would be, today. I had a great birthday--my grandmother took my daughter and me out to lunch at a nice restaurant and I got a massage and a facial. Later in the week, I had my "Always" tattoo finished and I am in love with it! What happened after my birthday was supposed to be a smooth transition. It was supposed to be smoother than any transition prior.

It wasn't. Instead of continuing on the course I had set with my husband, I was derailed by an intervention from my best friend. He was the one and only person in my life to point out the ways in which I was not living the way I wanted to. He was the one to point out why I was unhappy, while I ignored many problems that continued to grow within my home life. His intervention, with some help from his wife, really provoked me to take immediate action.

And so, instead of taking off to California at the end of May, I sat down in our ever-emptier house and began a conversation with my husband. I wasn't sure where I would end up in this conversation or even what I wanted him to say. The problem was, it seemed he only wanted to give me words I would want to hear. So, when he brought up the word "divorce," for probably the third time in the duration of our marriage, I thought about it seriously for the first time.

Where I am now is not where I wanted to be, but it has turned out to be better for me than I could have imagined. There are downsides, of course: The Internet usage is limited to 5GB per month until further notice; the computer I use does not have Microsoft Word for easy blog making; I have yet to figure out where or how I should set up my computer to do my art. But there are many upsides, as well: I unplug much more often and interact with my daughter and my family; I have my little girl on a meal and potty schedule and she is thriving under my care; I watch old Disney movies with my daughter every chance we get and I take her to the park at every opportunity to let her play. There is not a day that goes by in which she doesn't have a total blast playing with toys, watching cartoons, playing outside, and talking our ears off.

We're staying with my grandparents for now. I've begun seeing professionals in the Mental Health Clinic at the American Lake Veterans Association. My goal is to set up couples counseling, as it has always been my desire and my goal to have a healthy, lengthy marriage that is strong, stable, and lasts. Unfortunately, shortly after I expressed my desire to set up couples counseling, my husband took off in his car across Canada, driving east back to his home state. I hope he is happy, staying with his mother and receiving the validation he so craves.

Meanwhile, I have paid off several overdue bills related to our relationship and the house we rented together. I have realized, with help from family and friends, there are many ways in which I allowed myself to feel the way I did and I allowed him to make me feel worse. There are many things coming to light in his absence that have been shocking, disheartening, and even heartwarming.

We are halfway through June. The difficulty has only just begun. I've broken down crying, sobbing my eyes out while I was home alone, over ideas of what I should do for myself and my daughter. I've received various messages from him and responded as kindly and pleasantly as possible, while the nastiest and dirtiest thoughts crossed my mind. He called me hateful and spiteful and I know those things are inside of me but they are not what run my life.

I will never again allow someone to dictate my life in such a way that I act out in hateful, spiteful ways, nor will I allow someone again to make me feel as though everything I do is pointless. Regardless of who did what while we were together, I know now how to make myself feel good about myself. It is a process. It is a practice. It is difficult. It is not a linear path; I fall and I have to get back up. But now that the rotten apple has fallen from the tree, the tree is growing yet again and it's healthier than ever.

Profanity and News: We're Moving and We Have a Destination!

I cannot disclose the location of our destination. I can only say that where we are going, sunshine will abound and we will have snow in the winter. Where we are going, we will be on 5 acres of land, close to a lake and a river, and close enough to the city to use the electric car.

            Where we are going, we can take all three cats. We could take Baby, too, if we wanted to, but fuck that bitch. She is Pat’s responsibility. He has plans for her.

            We are moving much, much more quickly than we anticipated. Due to the fact that I do not trust the property management people to prorate rent properly this month, we are moving absolutely as soon as we are approved for the house in the mountains. You may wonder which mountains, but there are some I’d rather not know our destination. Imagine all the mountain ranges in the United States. Now imagine which ones have affordable housing. Good luck finding us.

            The important thing to note in this entry is that if all goes well, we will be moving on Tuesday, May 2^nd. This would mean I’d head south on May 3^rd, after spending a night with my grandmother in Tacoma.

            Packing has begun. The majority of my books are now in boxes and I only await the visit of my friend for the return of one. We've thrown a few options out to the four winds to see who picks up on them. People think we are moving to Colorado, but some think we might go to Las Vegas. I haven't mentioned how we've looked at houses throughout Texas, in parts of Arizona, and also in areas in Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, New York, Indiana, Illinois, and Kentucky.

            There’s not much more to say, here. More news will come once we are settled in the new place. It could take a while. I just hope it doesn’t throw a wrench too far into the gears of my machinations.