Shit: A Poem

If you ain’t about shit,

then you ain’t shit.

I’m done; no time for bullshit.

It’s time to be grown.

You can be about your own shit,

or someone else’s shit.

But if you’re on some other shit,

it’s time for me to go.

At last, I see what’s wrong with shit.

I hadn’t noticed this shit:

People not maintaining their shit,

their dwellings in disrepair.

I’ll tell you all about my shit,

’cause I’m about a lot of shit.

But I am done with bullshit,

and all you can do is stare.

Watch me rise higher than any shit

you’ve seen before; my shit

will have you saying, “Shit,

man, I need more!”

But I’m a selfish bitch; you’re shit

cause you ain’t about your shit.

I’ve seen the way you live: bullshit

owns you from your core.

Irresponsible like some child’s shit,

you play with nothing but shit.

You talk to spread some bullshit

and never wash your clothes.

I tell you now, I’m done with that shit.

Grown-ass people recognize shit,

but you’re so damn stuck in bullshit,

you can’t see past your nose.

Mental Illness and Social Media

Shit happens and then you die.

            That’s the way life works. If you don’t like it, that’s just too bad. It doesn’t matter what you do, there will always be obstacles to your success. In the absence of obstacles and in the absence of pain comes entitlement, greed, and gluttony. Without boundaries, humans are lost.

            My husband and I have not been separated for very long. It’s been just over two months. I’ve moved with extreme quickness on many matters since the separation, so much so that it feels like it’s been much longer than it has. It also still feels like yesterday, some days.

            Negativity has no place on my social media profiles. Snapchat is a good outlet if I need to vent, since the video clips disappear after 24 hours. It’s the one and only social media outlet that is exclusively about me and my reactions to things, rather than my response. As someone who needs a great deal of attention and must vent to multiple outlets in order to avoid feeling like a burden upon others, I need Snapchat for this purpose. Still, I do not update my Snapchat Story every day. I may not even update my Story every week. These days, there is very little to which I want to react negatively.

            I have filled my Facebook page with as much positive information as I can share about my life and that of my daughter. My Instagram account is nothing but the joy I work to create for myself and my daughter. My blog exists to let others know that they are not alone, I am not perfect, and it is my interest to uplift others and help them on their paths to success.

            Still, I see others who seem completely incapable of doing what it takes to get better. I share my information with those who ask for help. I respond to those who reach out for advice and I give them what has worked for me. I give them what has been proven to work for most people in our positions.

            The fact is, I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. That is my primary diagnosis. I suffer as well from anxiety, misophonia, and PTSD, but those do not impact my disability claim through the VA. I don’t think I need extra money for my extra issues. What I know is that I need to continue doing what I know is effective, even if the effect isn’t the same every day.

            Every single day is a struggle. The level of struggle depends on the day: My activities vary throughout the week, as well as my ability to get out of the house. If I am stuck with one or both of my grandparents for the majority of the day and do not have a chance to get away, I find myself tired and without patience much more quickly and easily than if I’m able to get out in the morning and do what I need to do for myself.

            So, when I see depressive statuses on Facebook, they disgust me. I used to be one of the people posting those things, asking people to be mental illness apologists.

The message in these posts reads something like this: “It’s okay, it’s just who I am. I’m sick, but you should love me anyway.”

Yes, these people absolutely do deserve love anyway, but that doesn’t mean they should stop trying to get better. I know what works for me and I fight against my illnesses every step of the way. Some days are more successful in these endeavors than others. My extenuating circumstances differ from those around me. I understand all of this.

            Still, I find myself disappointed when a friend tells me I’m wrong. When a friend tells me that it isn’t enough to base my statements on my own experiences in addition to the research I’ve done, I’m dismayed. I know how this works. I realize that some people need medication to balance their chemicals in their brains. Still, I’m convinced there are natural remedies. Why?

            I’m convinced of natural remedies being superior to pharmaceuticals because of a strong trend I’ve observed among the mentally ill. Every person I know, have read about, or have heard about has said the same thing about prescribed psychotropic medications: “It makes me feel fuzzy.” No one likes the “fuzzy” feeling. We, as a species, want to feel alert and clear in our minds. No singular medication or method of treatment works for every single medically ill individual, but that is why it’s called a struggle.

            Herbal remedies, exercise, socialization, and maintaining a journal and planner are all helpful to me. Pharmaceutical pills are always detrimental and the only ones left available to me to try based on my issues are those that cause weight gain. With a goal of losing weight, how is a pill that causes weight gain supposed to help me? With the desire to be in control of my own life, how I feel, and what I do, how is a medication that fogs my brain supposed to be beneficial?

            I will never try to debunk doctors’ works. Research has been done extensively to create medications for a wide variety of medical issues, including mental health problems. There are prescription medicines out there that treat mental illnesses I witness in my friends.

            The thing is, I think society is a bigger problem than what’s going on in their heads, as I think society caused such anxieties, depressions, and other problems. One day, I may do more and have more impact for those who suffer. I may be much more helpful to others around me, in the future. For now, I must continue to focus on my own self-care, self-improvement, and self-esteem. Those who cannot find the joy in their lives, cannot create it for themselves, or simply dismiss what I know is wisdom, can continue on their paths as they choose, but I may not choose to keep them close to me, anymore.

A Letter to Self

Dear Ally,

This may be the longest letter I ever write. You are worth every word, every moment of effort put into this, just so you can see the words for yourself, from me. It's time to start seeing yourself as worthy of love, acceptance, and kindness.

It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to be unsure and it's okay not to know what's going to happen next, how long a chapter in your life will last, or when something will transition into a better thing. It's okay to be kind and loving to everyone, even those who are abusive, and it is okay to tell the truth, even if others do not like it or agree.

"If I encounter evil and I am not ready, I can still win if I do not compete." (Unknown.)

Now that you've processed and released your feelings towards him for what happened, it's time to recognize yourself. You've caught your reflection as you've written letter after letter to various individuals and personalities in your life. Now it's time I spoke to you.

The Gut may be overrated, but it is also underused by many. Many people have subscribed to "Head over Heart" thinking and have lost touch with their intuition and natural guidance in life. Darkness is attracted to those who lose touch with reality, and I watched you lose touch with yourself and sight of what's important to you. I watched you compromise your core values for him. Don't do that again.

You cannot sit back and wait for another person to read your mind. You cannot expect someone to know what you want all of the time. You were born in the United States of America, one country of many in the Americas whose culture is that of the low-context variety, meaning the assumption is that the person next to you differs in thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values. Yet, you operated as though you were brought up in a high-context culture, as though the people around you are supposed to share your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values, and you sat back as though in such a culture and expected people to read your mind. You're not in that kind of culture, and you don't have the power to change the culture in which you were raised, by yourself.

It takes action to change habits. Consistency is the only key and the only way to improve. Your emotions are powerful and you've allowed them to govern your actions. This is not acceptable; it never has been, nor will it ever be. There is merit to "Head over Heart" thinking, when used correctly. Keep improving your response, rather than trying to tailor your reaction. Forward thinking, planning, and prevention are the things that will get you the furthest in life. Lack of proper planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on part of another. Feel your emotions and allow them to course through you. Start using your head based on what you feel in your heart, and use your heart to know what's right when making forward-thinking decisions.

It's easier to see the ways you can improve now that you have a planner that outlines it for you. How convenient for you to have your journal right next to it in your bag. Every day has the most potential to be successful. Perhaps I don't need to point out your areas for improvement or tell you you're slacking. You've always been so quick to pick up your own shortcomings; this is something those around you seem to fail to notice, more often than not. You look at yourself more than others through this mirror I hold... and you know, although you are quite attentive to what really matters, you've been slacking here and there.

Bad habits die hard, especially when they've been reinforced. But it doesn't matter what you say or what anyone else says. Your expectations for the relationships you've had have been ridiculous, at times. You were certainly convinced he was "the one," that he was perfect for you. Although you've burned away the negativity and taken back the ill will in the form of guilt and shame, still you're hurt. What matters now is what you've done these past two months. You've been constructive, positive, and happy, and your daughter is picking it up. She's doing much better now, with you, than she was doing before.

It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to love yourself. You've given so much of yourself, you've forgotten who you are. You've compromised so much of yourself to change who you are to try pleasing someone else. What if he did that, too, to an extent? You believed in him wholeheartedly. You were on his team when everyone else told you things that put him in a bad light. You defended him against all of your friends. You believed he could be better, if only you could find the way to reach him and communicate effectively. Yes, he lied to you, but what if he truly believed he had good intentions? It's not about blame, at this point. It's about forgiveness and love. The love is still there, and it may always be. It's okay to still have love for him. Without that love, the relationship would not have begun in the first place. Without that love, your daughter wouldn't be here.

It does not do to let go of love. Instead, let go of the pain, the fear, the anger, the darkness. You've been so attracted to darkness for so long. Darkness can be beautiful and it can be useful, but think of your namesake, Ally. Think of the meaning behind your first name, derived from Alice: "Of a noble kind; noble; honorable." Next, think of your middle names' meanings; Virginia: "The maiden; virgin," and Marie: "Sea of bitterness/sorrow; rebellion; wished-for child; Mistress or Lady of the sea." Darkness is in your very name, preceded by light and innocence. There's a lot of light out there to be shared; we do not need others to feel our darkness. They are just as aware of it, through their own experiences.

I love you. Usually, I've said it to you more as a joke. I've sarcastically laughed and said, "I kill myself!" as a euphemism for laughing at your jokes for finding you hilarious. Briefly, in those moments, your confidence is greatly bolstered, and I shine for you. But then you retreat, almost as quickly as you came to surface. Back into whatever troubles you, whatever it is you've desperately been trying to make others see.

Do what you like to do, love. You enjoy cooking; you enjoy having a clean home. Even mundane chores are fun to you, when you've got the right groove going. Now, you've found people who help you into your groove. Hold on to them. Love them. Allow my daughter to love them. Love is never the problem, fear is. You have a lot of both, yet you've allowed fear to govern you for too long.

You're afraid of love. It's terrible, yet it's true. You're afraid to hear me tell you, earnestly, that I love you, yet here I am. I do. You're at your best when you accept me, and it's time. You can trust me. I will not lead you astray, and if I do, you already know I'll make it right immediately--or as immediately as possible.

If they dance with demons, let them have them. Those are not your demons; you needn't accept them into your life. Let others fall for the Glamour before their eyes; it is not your concern if you cannot enlighten them or open their eyes with kindness or good intentions. Go with love in all that you do and remember the Celtic blessing from the stranger on the street:

"Let those who love us, love us. For those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts so that they love us. For those who do not love us, whose hearts God cannot turn, then may God turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping." -Celtic Blessing (Unknown)

Love,
You

How To Identify Self-Victimizing Behavior and Stop Being A Victim

I have known many people during my short quarter-century of life who constantly play the victim. Some people call these individuals "psychic vampires," as they tend to suck you dry of your energy, time, and emotion. These are the people who never stop talking about how everyone has done them wrong. The people who say, "Woe is me," and, "So-and-so broke every promise ever and fucked me over this, that, and the other way."

Few people actually want to act like this. I have found that very few of the self-victimizers I know are that way by choice. Many of these people call out for help to end the suffering they perceive themselves undergoing. It is for this reason I am creating this list of identifiers of self-victimizing behavior patterns. I believe wholeheartedly in taking responsibility for your life and in order to do that, one must take responsibility for one's actions and thoughts.

I am by no means a mental health professional. I am not a counselor. I am a disabled veteran, I am a survivor of prolonged and varied abuse, I am a single mother, and I am a Paralegal student, but I am not a psychiatrist. These are based on my observations alone, but I believe they can be applied to anyone's situation and it is with the hope of helping others that I publish this entry.

Three ways to identify self-victimizing behavior and what you could do to stop it:

• Do you find yourself talking only about yourself, with no regard to your communication partner?
  Often, self-victimizing individuals will talk about themselves excessively. Pay attention to what you say. Become more self-aware. Doing so will help you identify the language you use when you open your mouth, which will allow you to put energy into changing your language to change your life and get out of the victim mentality.
• Do your thoughts and/or words often center around what other people are doing or saying?
  What is your next-door neighbor doing at this moment? What is your sister up to with that no-good circus clown? Don't you just hate how Jane stole your entire CD collection ten years ago? If you find yourself thinking more about what others are doing than what you're doing, or if you find yourself thinking more about how others treat you than how you treat them, you are likely stuck in a self-victimizing mentality. Instead of thinking about what people around you are doing, think about what you have to do for the day, the week, the month, and the year. What are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them? Do not think of what others are doing to help you, because others are not responsible for how you live your life or how you achieve your happiness. You are.
• Do you constantly ask people to spend time with you but also tell everyone how terrible all people are?
  It is exceptionally draining for people to put energy and effort into making another person feel better, particularly when the other person is expressing dislike with people in general. It pushes people away and the post that begs them to come back ends up sounding flaccid and insincere. Instead of complaining about how wrong you think everyone else is, think about the good things in your life. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food in your home that you can eat? Do you have a job or a career? Do you have pets or family members? Think of the good things and why you're grateful for them, instead of thinking about how disappointed you are in the perceived masses who ignore you or let you down.

Certainly, this is not an all-inclusive list of self-victimizing behaviors, but I do think it is a good place to start for people who wish to better themselves and be less draining on their loved ones and friends. This short list may give some insight to those who find themselves playing the victim more than they thought.

The Air Force believes in holistic health. This means that Airmen are encouraged to be healthy not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. Freedom of religion is fiercely protected and people from all walks of life and of all kinds of beliefs come together under the same core values to serve a common ally: Our nation, the United States of America. Since separating, I've become more aware of what holistic health really means and how we can achieve it.

Nothing worth doing is easy. You may have heard this phrase before, perhaps many times, and it is never wrong, in my experience. Recovery is never a linear journey. Even if we take a linear step and never fall back on it, we all experience moments of weakness, usually due to increased stress. We develop coping mechanisms, healthy and unhealthy, to help us through the hard times. Even I have an unhealthy coping mechanism. The point is, we must create our own happiness. No other person will do that for us and we cannot blame others for the way we feel, the choices we make, the thoughts we have, or the actions we take.

We must take responsibility for our own lives. I'm doing it for mine. Will you do it for yours?