How To Identify Self-Victimizing Behavior and Stop Being A Victim

I have known many people during my short quarter-century of life who constantly play the victim. Some people call these individuals "psychic vampires," as they tend to suck you dry of your energy, time, and emotion. These are the people who never stop talking about how everyone has done them wrong. The people who say, "Woe is me," and, "So-and-so broke every promise ever and fucked me over this, that, and the other way."

Few people actually want to act like this. I have found that very few of the self-victimizers I know are that way by choice. Many of these people call out for help to end the suffering they perceive themselves undergoing. It is for this reason I am creating this list of identifiers of self-victimizing behavior patterns. I believe wholeheartedly in taking responsibility for your life and in order to do that, one must take responsibility for one's actions and thoughts.

I am by no means a mental health professional. I am not a counselor. I am a disabled veteran, I am a survivor of prolonged and varied abuse, I am a single mother, and I am a Paralegal student, but I am not a psychiatrist. These are based on my observations alone, but I believe they can be applied to anyone's situation and it is with the hope of helping others that I publish this entry.

Three ways to identify self-victimizing behavior and what you could do to stop it:

• Do you find yourself talking only about yourself, with no regard to your communication partner?
  Often, self-victimizing individuals will talk about themselves excessively. Pay attention to what you say. Become more self-aware. Doing so will help you identify the language you use when you open your mouth, which will allow you to put energy into changing your language to change your life and get out of the victim mentality.
• Do your thoughts and/or words often center around what other people are doing or saying?
  What is your next-door neighbor doing at this moment? What is your sister up to with that no-good circus clown? Don't you just hate how Jane stole your entire CD collection ten years ago? If you find yourself thinking more about what others are doing than what you're doing, or if you find yourself thinking more about how others treat you than how you treat them, you are likely stuck in a self-victimizing mentality. Instead of thinking about what people around you are doing, think about what you have to do for the day, the week, the month, and the year. What are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them? Do not think of what others are doing to help you, because others are not responsible for how you live your life or how you achieve your happiness. You are.
• Do you constantly ask people to spend time with you but also tell everyone how terrible all people are?
  It is exceptionally draining for people to put energy and effort into making another person feel better, particularly when the other person is expressing dislike with people in general. It pushes people away and the post that begs them to come back ends up sounding flaccid and insincere. Instead of complaining about how wrong you think everyone else is, think about the good things in your life. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food in your home that you can eat? Do you have a job or a career? Do you have pets or family members? Think of the good things and why you're grateful for them, instead of thinking about how disappointed you are in the perceived masses who ignore you or let you down.

Certainly, this is not an all-inclusive list of self-victimizing behaviors, but I do think it is a good place to start for people who wish to better themselves and be less draining on their loved ones and friends. This short list may give some insight to those who find themselves playing the victim more than they thought.

The Air Force believes in holistic health. This means that Airmen are encouraged to be healthy not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. Freedom of religion is fiercely protected and people from all walks of life and of all kinds of beliefs come together under the same core values to serve a common ally: Our nation, the United States of America. Since separating, I've become more aware of what holistic health really means and how we can achieve it.

Nothing worth doing is easy. You may have heard this phrase before, perhaps many times, and it is never wrong, in my experience. Recovery is never a linear journey. Even if we take a linear step and never fall back on it, we all experience moments of weakness, usually due to increased stress. We develop coping mechanisms, healthy and unhealthy, to help us through the hard times. Even I have an unhealthy coping mechanism. The point is, we must create our own happiness. No other person will do that for us and we cannot blame others for the way we feel, the choices we make, the thoughts we have, or the actions we take.

We must take responsibility for our own lives. I'm doing it for mine. Will you do it for yours?