Parenting as an Abuse Survivor

Abuse is a cycle. Once started, it is hard to stop. Children who grow up in abusive households often become abusive parents when they have children of their own.

I am no exception to this rule of continuing abuse. When I gave birth, I fell hard into postpartum depression, exacerbated by a broken ankle, a sprained ankle, and a husband who went behind my back, buying formula in order to prevent me from waking up at night to feed my baby. I became abusive.

My words were abusive and before too long, I would spank my little girl's butt for a perceived transgression after telling her a number of times what the correct action is and why she was wrong. My tone of voice was abusive. I found myself neglecting my own needs and the needs of my daughter, feeling helpless and hopeless. The postpartum depression stayed and worsened in the first two years of her life and I found myself sedentary, trying repeatedly yet in vain to attend college for a degree. What degree? I didn't really know.

This is my story and I share it because when I make improvements in my life, I do so immediately and without hesitation. Once I know what's wrong with a situation and why I'm feeling a certain way about a certain thing, I correct it with all the energy and fervor of a new recruit.

Yesterday was a bad day. Persephone was being little and, naturally, getting into things that didn't belong to her. Case in point, this time: My grandmother's CD case, full of all kinds of CDs from Elvis to Barbra Streisand. To my daughter's credit, it seemed that all disks remained within the case, but she had unzipped parts of it and begun taking it apart (it is a three-part CD case that zips together in two places and each of the three CD holders that make up the case zips closed).

I yelled. I screamed in her face. I spanked her butt harder than I've ever spanked it before because I have had umpteen million conversations with her about playing with her OWN toys, leaving everyone else's things alone, etc. I felt guilty immediately, as is always the case when she breaks down in tears over my response to her perceived bad behavior. Then, I thought: How can I do something better that will have a lasting effect?

Recently, when visiting my college campus to check out the childcare center, I picked up a handful of packets of paper. One is about Time-Out and whether that method of discipline is really effective. According to the article I picked up, Time-Out is a cop-out for parents and child educators who do not wish to deal with children's behaviors and instead remove them from situations wantonly. Multiple alternatives to Time-Out are mentioned in the article, all of which translate to every situation you may find yourself in with your child.

My first response when frustrated is to raise my voice. My muscles tense, my heart rate quickens, and I want to cause physical damage to something or someone, but since I can't, my voice rises until people three blocks away could hear it with their windows open. These are not the responses I want to have with my daughter. My daughter deserves better than this, because this is what I was raised under and I know it is abusive.

Survivors of abuse bury things deeply. It always comes back up, though, and we find ourselves unreasonably angry over the smallest perceived transgressions. We find ourselves racked with sudden panic, rage, or any number of overwhelming emotions that do not seem to fit the situation in which we are existing, working, and functioning.

I have found some helpful tips online for Constructive Discipline. The source I chose to print from came from PBS, the source I trust most when it comes to child development and mainstream media. Ultimately, the power lies within us as parents to break the cycle of abuse for our children. From now on, my daughter will experience only the best I can offer of constructive criticism. Sometimes, I need to take a step back and take a deep breath before addressing an issue. Sometimes, it may turn out to be most effective to spank her butt over an issue. But right now, right before she turns 3 years old, she doesn't need that.

Children need to know what is okay to do. They need to know how to control their actions, express their emotions, and act appropriately when they feel intense emotions. That is what I work on now with my daughter. We are in the process of potty training, which many parents will know is a truly grueling task for some. Today, she has pooped in her pull-up THREE times!!! The first time she did it, I lectured her on pooping in the toilet. The second time, I slowed down and did the following:

• I asked her why she pooped in her pull-up. Based on her reaction and repsonse, she really had not registered yet that pooping makes the pull-up dirty and therefore she did not see what was wrong with pooping her pants.
• I used positive language to tell her the correct course of action: "You need to poop in the toilet. Where is the toilet?" I went to great lengths to ensure she knows where the toilet is located.
• After she was changed and clean again, I asked her what she's going to do the next time she has to poop. She said she would poop in the toilet.
• When she did not, in fact, poop in the toilet next time, and filled yet another pull-up with stinky, smelly feces, I thought I might lose it. But I asked her instead why she pooped in her pull-up. I explained that the pull-up is NOT the toilet, and she asked why, so I explained that pooping her pants is a dirty habit and big girls use toilets.

It is important to use positive language as much as possible. Language such as, "Don't poop in your pull-up!" or, "Bad! You're a bad girl for pooping in your pants!" is not helpful. It does not teach children to use the toilet. Our brains do not register "not" in a statement, so to say, "Don't poop in your pull-up," registers to a child as, "Do poop in your pull-up," because no positive alternative has been given. Telling your child they're bad registers in their brains and lasts, making them think they are bad children and justifying their bad behaviors ("If I'm bad, I might as well be bad").

Some statistics on the matter:

• "Neglect is the most common form of maltreatment. Of the children who experienced maltreatment or abuse, three-quarters suffered neglect; 17.2% suffered physical abuse; and 8.4% suffered sexual abuse. (Some children are polyvictimized—they have suffered more than one form of maltreatment.)" (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/media-kit/national-statistics-child-abuse).
• "The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations – losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect," (https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse-statistics/#eneglect).
• "40-80% of juvenile sex offenders have themselves been victims of sexual abuse (Advances in Clinical Child Psychology, page 19)," (https://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/statistics-on-perpetrators-of-csa).
• "Hindman and Peters (2001) found that 67 percent of sex offenders initially reported experiencing sexual abuse as children, but when given a polygraph ("lie detector") test, the proportion dropped to 29 percent, suggesting that some sex offenders exaggerate early childhood victimization in an effort to rationalize their behavior or gain sympathy from others," (http://www.criminaljustice.ny.gov/nsor/som_mythsandfacts.htm).