Parenting as an Abuse Survivor

Abuse is a cycle. Once started, it is hard to stop. Children who grow up in abusive households often become abusive parents when they have children of their own.

I am no exception to this rule of continuing abuse. When I gave birth, I fell hard into postpartum depression, exacerbated by a broken ankle, a sprained ankle, and a husband who went behind my back, buying formula in order to prevent me from waking up at night to feed my baby. I became abusive.

My words were abusive and before too long, I would spank my little girl's butt for a perceived transgression after telling her a number of times what the correct action is and why she was wrong. My tone of voice was abusive. I found myself neglecting my own needs and the needs of my daughter, feeling helpless and hopeless. The postpartum depression stayed and worsened in the first two years of her life and I found myself sedentary, trying repeatedly yet in vain to attend college for a degree. What degree? I didn't really know.

This is my story and I share it because when I make improvements in my life, I do so immediately and without hesitation. Once I know what's wrong with a situation and why I'm feeling a certain way about a certain thing, I correct it with all the energy and fervor of a new recruit.

Yesterday was a bad day. Persephone was being little and, naturally, getting into things that didn't belong to her. Case in point, this time: My grandmother's CD case, full of all kinds of CDs from Elvis to Barbra Streisand. To my daughter's credit, it seemed that all disks remained within the case, but she had unzipped parts of it and begun taking it apart (it is a three-part CD case that zips together in two places and each of the three CD holders that make up the case zips closed).

I yelled. I screamed in her face. I spanked her butt harder than I've ever spanked it before because I have had umpteen million conversations with her about playing with her OWN toys, leaving everyone else's things alone, etc. I felt guilty immediately, as is always the case when she breaks down in tears over my response to her perceived bad behavior. Then, I thought: How can I do something better that will have a lasting effect?

Recently, when visiting my college campus to check out the childcare center, I picked up a handful of packets of paper. One is about Time-Out and whether that method of discipline is really effective. According to the article I picked up, Time-Out is a cop-out for parents and child educators who do not wish to deal with children's behaviors and instead remove them from situations wantonly. Multiple alternatives to Time-Out are mentioned in the article, all of which translate to every situation you may find yourself in with your child.

My first response when frustrated is to raise my voice. My muscles tense, my heart rate quickens, and I want to cause physical damage to something or someone, but since I can't, my voice rises until people three blocks away could hear it with their windows open. These are not the responses I want to have with my daughter. My daughter deserves better than this, because this is what I was raised under and I know it is abusive.

Survivors of abuse bury things deeply. It always comes back up, though, and we find ourselves unreasonably angry over the smallest perceived transgressions. We find ourselves racked with sudden panic, rage, or any number of overwhelming emotions that do not seem to fit the situation in which we are existing, working, and functioning.

I have found some helpful tips online for Constructive Discipline. The source I chose to print from came from PBS, the source I trust most when it comes to child development and mainstream media. Ultimately, the power lies within us as parents to break the cycle of abuse for our children. From now on, my daughter will experience only the best I can offer of constructive criticism. Sometimes, I need to take a step back and take a deep breath before addressing an issue. Sometimes, it may turn out to be most effective to spank her butt over an issue. But right now, right before she turns 3 years old, she doesn't need that.

Children need to know what is okay to do. They need to know how to control their actions, express their emotions, and act appropriately when they feel intense emotions. That is what I work on now with my daughter. We are in the process of potty training, which many parents will know is a truly grueling task for some. Today, she has pooped in her pull-up THREE times!!! The first time she did it, I lectured her on pooping in the toilet. The second time, I slowed down and did the following:

• I asked her why she pooped in her pull-up. Based on her reaction and repsonse, she really had not registered yet that pooping makes the pull-up dirty and therefore she did not see what was wrong with pooping her pants.
• I used positive language to tell her the correct course of action: "You need to poop in the toilet. Where is the toilet?" I went to great lengths to ensure she knows where the toilet is located.
• After she was changed and clean again, I asked her what she's going to do the next time she has to poop. She said she would poop in the toilet.
• When she did not, in fact, poop in the toilet next time, and filled yet another pull-up with stinky, smelly feces, I thought I might lose it. But I asked her instead why she pooped in her pull-up. I explained that the pull-up is NOT the toilet, and she asked why, so I explained that pooping her pants is a dirty habit and big girls use toilets.

It is important to use positive language as much as possible. Language such as, "Don't poop in your pull-up!" or, "Bad! You're a bad girl for pooping in your pants!" is not helpful. It does not teach children to use the toilet. Our brains do not register "not" in a statement, so to say, "Don't poop in your pull-up," registers to a child as, "Do poop in your pull-up," because no positive alternative has been given. Telling your child they're bad registers in their brains and lasts, making them think they are bad children and justifying their bad behaviors ("If I'm bad, I might as well be bad").

Some statistics on the matter:

• "Neglect is the most common form of maltreatment. Of the children who experienced maltreatment or abuse, three-quarters suffered neglect; 17.2% suffered physical abuse; and 8.4% suffered sexual abuse. (Some children are polyvictimized—they have suffered more than one form of maltreatment.)" (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/media-kit/national-statistics-child-abuse).
• "The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations – losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect," (https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse-statistics/#eneglect).
• "40-80% of juvenile sex offenders have themselves been victims of sexual abuse (Advances in Clinical Child Psychology, page 19)," (https://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/statistics-on-perpetrators-of-csa).
• "Hindman and Peters (2001) found that 67 percent of sex offenders initially reported experiencing sexual abuse as children, but when given a polygraph ("lie detector") test, the proportion dropped to 29 percent, suggesting that some sex offenders exaggerate early childhood victimization in an effort to rationalize their behavior or gain sympathy from others," (http://www.criminaljustice.ny.gov/nsor/som_mythsandfacts.htm).

New Friends

My life has been marked by few friendships and many acquaintances, not all of them pleasant. Living with my mother for two years as a kid had a significant impact on my social life as I grew up and even as an adult. As an adult, I find that friends are harder to find only because I am not placed in a room with a group of people on a daily basis, as is the case as a child going through school. This will change soon enough as I go back on campus at Evergreen, but until then, every new friend I make is significant. I’ve made one, recently, and I have a new acquaintance who may well become a friend.

            I met Kita through my friend Kat and initially only found myself at Kita’s house when it had to do with Kat in one way or another. At last, though, I added Kita to Facebook and we started to hang out without Kat around. I even brought Persephone over to hang out with the kids, especially since there’s a little playground right in front of Kita’s back patio. The playground is great and I really enjoy taking Persephone over to play and hang out; it’s time that she can climb and have fun as well as socialize with some other children who are her age, older, and younger.

            Persephone’s new friends include 3-year-old Nessa, 6-year-old Aliy, and nearly-1-year-old Atalia. That doesn’t include the other children who go through the house; 6-year-old (I think) Caitlyn, a baby boy, and 2-year-old Mazaeah. It’s nice to get out sometimes and take her over to hang out, rather than keeping her in our apartment by herself and having her play with her toys forever.

            The first time I took Persephone to Kita’s house turned into an adventure. Kat was with us and I was uncomfortable letting Persephone outside to play with the other girls without supervision, so I went outside with her so she could play on the playground under my watch. Naturally, while I was out there, she thought it would be a good idea to take off around the side of the building, and I caught her and brought her back to the playground with ease. A little later, I thought Nessa, who speaks in clear, full sentences, could keep an eye on her and alert me if something happened. I was right in my thoughts, but I could not predict what would happen.

            “Her gone,” Nessa said in her sweet little voice. My immediate reaction was a less-than-graceful, “What?!” I had been sitting in the living room with my friends and Nessa stood in the doorway and repeated, “Her gone.”

            I ran back to the bedroom, threw my shoes on, and ran outside, immediately yelling for Persephone the moment I hit open air. Freaking out, I took off in the direction Percy had gone when she’d tried doing her own thing while I’d been watching; then I noticed that my friends were heading the other way around the building, under the direction of Nessa, who was quite the good little watcher and knew which way Persephone had gone. It was a good thing, too, because when I followed the herd and passed it, going around the building, I found Persephone trying to play with a boy who looked older than her, but was still a child. It was a relief to know that she hadn’t gone far; still, I immediately called for her with urgency and she came at last.

            We left shortly after that incident, but I didn’t think of it as an experience that should keep Persephone away; instead, I figured I would have to ensure she was monitored when necessary. With Persephone’s next visit, I asked Aliy and Caitlyn to watch her and it worked quite well. Our last visit saw all the children indoors the whole time, as it had been raining, and that worked well for me because I didn’t need to monitor Persephone’s actions while indoors. She really is a good child and she generally stuck around the other kids until it started to get late.

            I enjoy spending time with Kita because she’s nice, I like smoking with her, and her home is the kind of child-friendly that allows me to bring my own kid and let her play with the others in the house. We’re all moving in August and I’m moving pretty far away, but it’s nice to have someone to spend time with until the time comes to pack and move. I also think we’ll still spend time together even after we move.

Successes Week 1

This week has had many small successes. Looking back, I find it is better to look at the things I have done, rather than the things I have not done.

            Too often, I have found myself reminiscing on my day or my week, thinking, I should have done more. Monday was a turning point for me, this week, and I am proud to be able to say, today, on Saturday, that things have gone well, overall.

            This week, I saw my psychiatrist and my therapist, both. I have follow-up appointments with both of them. I returned everything I needed to, to Securitas. These things stand alone as successes for me, because I accomplished them.

            I colored one of my drawings and scanned it, but it came out as a .PDF. Still, the picture is complete and I can now use a library scanner to get a .JPG image to upload to Patreon. It will be my first new drawing posted to Patreon and it stands as the start of my work life as an artist.

            Furthermore, I fed my daughter this week—perhaps not for every meal, but I did contribute—and I contributed to cleaning the house. I also went grocery shopping and organized the refrigerator.

            So, what are my next steps, you might ask? I’ll tell you…

            My first priority is to make sure my phone stops dying in the night, so I can get up before everyone else does in the morning. My next step is to begin an exercise regimen that I complete on a daily basis. I need to do this in the morning before people wake up because when Randy gets a job, it’ll be on me to take care of our daughter without help. Having a morning exercise regimen will begin my day with purpose and success, which lends motivation and leads to movement, rather than sitting around, for me.

            My next priority is to create and foster an environment within my home that will best suit my daughter, who is a young child and deserves to feel respected, independent, and confident in herself. This will be a much more difficult task and that is why it is not my absolute first priority. After all, I must begin my day with purpose and momentum in order to achieve the movement needed to work with my child in my home.

            Already, Persephone shows interest in cleaning. She uses baby wipes to wipe down surfaces; she grabs the broom and tries to sweep with it. She wants a clean and tidy environment that she can manipulate to learn and develop. My resolve is to provide that for her, no matter how difficult it is or how long it takes to achieve the ideal environment.

            I have the whole summer to work with my child and my home while Randy finds a job. I have the whole summer to get everything together, including my transcripts for The Evergreen State College. Until September, I have the opportunity to greatly improve my health and wellness and develop a system within my home wherein my daughter can freely grow, learn, and develop.

            There is no way I can know at this time whether we will be able to purchase a home or need to rent a house. Either way, I know where we are going and I know what we seek in a living place. There is no way I can know at this time when Persephone will go back to a childcare facility, but knowing that Evergreen has a daycare on-campus sets me at ease because I know I don’t need to spend time during the day searching for just the right place for her to go.

            I’m going back to school. I thought about looking for a job, today, because although I’ve done well this week to remain positive, the voices of mania and anxiety speak to me and tell me that I need to do something that is immediately reasonable and of a regular income. They tell me that Randy will never find a job and I’m the only one who can do what it takes to provide us with the income required to purchase a home in August. This has happened to me so many times I cannot count them, but the difference this time is that I’m aware they’re false thoughts.

            Randy is perfectly capable of finding a job between now and August. However, if he doesn’t, I now recognize that it isn’t the end of the world. If he stays at home, it frees me up this summer to spend a good amount of time at the library, to and from which I can walk. At the library, I can work on my art and my writing to post to Patreon. I can scan my pictures the moment I finish working on them and I can sit in a quiet place and write my heart out until a story emerges.

            Owning a home has been the “end goal” for a while, but it’s time to change that because owning a home is not the end-all, be-all of life and it will not inherently change the way we live. It is much more reasonable for me to set smaller, shorter-term goals and work towards owning a home when it is absolutely possible, even if that means next year or the year after.

            I’ve felt like shit because my peers are buying homes and I feel like I’m behind them. I fail to see, in those moments, my peers who are just like me or worse off. I fail to truly look around myself and notice that I am in a stable place, if not the most ideal, and I have time to get to where I want to be. My greatest revelation on Monday was realizing that I have time.

            So, I’m going to use it.

Revelations and Foundation

I got up on time today.

            I’ve set my alarm so many times and simply turned it off and continued sleeping. Not today. Today is the beginning of a new way of life, a new schedule that I can stick to because my foundation lies on a solid schedule. Having a schedule and keeping certain things like breakfast, lunch, and dinner regular is where my life can truly begin.

            My life has just begun. Ever since I had my daughter, I’ve been living as if my life is over, but it isn’t. I’ve just separated from the military, though it now goes on two years since the separation, and I’ve just had a beautiful little girl who is growing into a wonderful child. I’ve struggled intensely with depression, but the truth is that my life has just begun. Now, I get to determine what happens.

            I get to be Mommy. This was a revelation for me because I thought about my daughter as if she were me; what would I want if I were two years old? And I realized—I can provide my daughter with everything I wanted and needed when I was her age. I can give her the life I never had—hell, she already has it. She already has both parents raising her with love and kindness as much as possible. That’s something I never had.

            I have a foundation. I’ve been feeling like I’m floundering endlessly in an abyss, trying to find footing and build a life for myself without a foundation. I realized, yesterday, that my foundation exists. It’s time for me to build upon it. My foundation is a regular schedule and a clean house and as long as I have a schedule, I can build upon it. My schedule now includes a morning workout, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, every single day. Twice a week, it includes laundry, and that is non-negotiable unless something comes up—but the great thing is that laundry is something I can put into any other day of the week. Just because I have it for Saturdays and Sundays doesn’t mean I can’t do it on a Wednesday.

            Now that I’ve created a schedule, I can work around and with it. I’ve scheduled breakfast to be at 07:30 every morning, but it is almost that time right now and I haven’t started because my daughter is still sleeping. My plan is to finish this blog entry and make breakfast; I expect she’ll wake while I’m cooking and I can get her up then. But having a schedule is my foundation and it is what helps me get out of bed in the morning and start my day with purpose, as I did this morning by getting out of bed and doing schoolwork.

            Life is measured by small achievements and big achievements. Both are equally important. I’ve had a few big achievements in my life and one of them was giving birth to my daughter. In fact, giving birth to my daughter was such a large achievement that now I need to focus on the little ones—like getting out of bed with purpose every morning and feeding my child when she’s hungry.

            I need to focus on myself, but in so doing, I can also focus on my daughter, for she is an extension of myself.