I'm Not a Security Officer

I couldn’t breathe. No matter how much air I sucked in, my lungs wouldn’t expand far enough to feel satisfied.

            This was the third time this had happened and this time, I hadn’t even taken a NoDoz yet, nor a single sip of an energy drink. Why couldn’t I get enough air? Why couldn’t I breathe?

            It turns out, it was anxiety. Anxiety like I’ve never had before in my life suddenly hit me—first during the active shooter training, then during my first 12-hour shift, and now again on my second day in the field, the moment I arrived.

            To top it off, I felt as if I would pass out if I closed my eyes, even if I was standing up. The idea terrified me beyond belief; getting fired was the last thing I wanted to do! If I fell asleep, I would be fired. And I couldn’t breathe.

            I remembered the day in training when this had first happened and my mind replayed Ryan and Nate telling me to let them know if this problem persisted. The problem was persisting.

            I couldn’t work like this. I told my field training officer what was going on and let him know that I believed I needed to go to the VA. Tonight. He talked to the supervisor and had me do so as well; I was given leave to go to the VA and get evaluated to figure out what was wrong.

            That’s exactly what I did.

            They surprised me by knowing I would be there before I even arrived. I don’t know who called it in, but the VA was expecting me in the emergency department. I was called back soon enough and went directly from the vitals check to an exam room, rather than waiting again in the lobby as I had done the only other time I’d been there.

            I spoke with a social worker. While speaking to her, I realized that transit security really isn’t what I’m meant to do. I can’t work with this anxiety and it doesn’t help that I’m supposed to work nights for 12 hours at a time more often than not. She explained how unhealthy such a shift is and it made me think of the suffocating anxiety I had felt, the way my lungs couldn’t take in enough air.

            What I really want to do is art. Even if all I do for a career is teach art after college, I want to do art. I want to write my stories and illustrate them, too, and possibly make money on Patreon or through physical book sales. I want to paint. I want to dabble in photography. And I can do it all if I go back to the Evergreen State College.

            So, that’s what I’m going to do.

Plans and Momentum

My third week of training and final week of classroom instruction ended, today, and I received my schedule for on-the-job training. With the luck I had in being assigned to the King zone (the zone closest to where I live, conveniently enough), I also have the fortune of only having 2 weeks of on-the-job training! It’s great for me because my second week consists entirely of day shifts; my only night shifts are Sunday and Monday nights, this coming week, and then I have to be back in Bellevue on Tuesday morning—right after my shift—for a right-of-way class.

            I’m not entirely sure what the right-of-way class entails, but I do know that it’s mandatory and if I miss it for any reason, I won’t be able to work until June because that’s when the next one is scheduled. My plan for the class is to have my supervisor take me, but if that fails for any reason, I’ll already be at a bus station, so I can take public transport. With working in my home town and the two bigger cities that border it, I don’t intend to drive unless it’s absolutely necessary—or until I get my own car.

            Speaking of plans for my money as I begin receiving checks from my company, I’ve realized that while I could afford to enroll Persephone back into KinderCare with the money I’ll be making, it will be expensive and I might look into enrolling her only part-time, or simply finding a less expensive daycare to take her to. One thought I have for that is a daycare my dad took me to when I was little; I believe it’s in Auburn, which is one of the cities I’ll be working in (the three being Federal Way, where I live; Kent; and Auburn).

            My goal is still to purchase a house in August. I am moving in the right direction and at the right speed to make that goal a reality and I have no intention of letting anything get in my way. In August, our lease for our current apartment will end and we will need to find new living arrangements because I don’t want us staying in the apartment that has been falling apart since day one.

            Since we moved into our current unit, we’ve had our half-bathroom toilet fixed twice. The first time, the guy replaced the wax seal but forgot to bolt the toilet back down to the floor, so it leaked when we flushed it, still. We had to have maintenance come out a second time to bolt the toilet properly and end the problem. Then, water began leaking from the ceiling, so we had to have maintenance come out and fix that; it took them at least 4 days to complete the job and it left a massive mess in our kitchen. On top of those things, the windows don’t seal properly, so we have black mold trying to grow on our window sills. Luckily, Persephone doesn’t get to the window sills where the black mold starts, but it’s still a health hazard and I am not happy about it.

            August is a mere four months away. With the pace at which I’m moving within my company, I’ll begin making “the good money,” as I put it, after May 13^th, which is actually sooner than I’d anticipated. With my first paycheck, I can visit a lender here in Federal Way and, if all goes well, get pre-approved for a home loan through the VA with a 0% down payment on whatever home we choose based on our pre-approval rating.

            In addition to all of this that I’m doing for myself and my family, Randy has an interview coming up soon for a job with CeX, a gaming store similar to GameStop that purchases used games and consoles and sells them. I don’t know about GameStop’s policies, but I think CeX may just be better. I do know that Randy prefers CeX. If he gets the job, whether it’s part time or full time, it will be beneficial but it will also put a rush on finding childcare for Persephone and it may just make KinderCare the most logical option, since he would be working at the Commons at Federal Way. It just wouldn’t be prudent to drive over to Auburn just to drop our daughter off at daycare, only to come back for work. It would be unnecessary driving.

            All in all, plans are in the works and I actually feel good about moving forward. Today is definitely a green day and I look forward to more like it.