Some days, the smallest things must be
counted as successes in order to maintain forward momentum.
Today,
I managed to stay awake a little better than yesterday. Part of that may have
been because I had the rest of my second energy drink from yesterday, as well
as a Rockstar, this morning. It’s relatively miraculous that I was able to stay
awake while driving early in the morning, however; it took me forever to fall asleep, last night, even
though I went to bed at 20:00. That’s 8pm for those who have difficulty with
the 24-hour clock.
Today,
I learned about verbal judo—the art of redirecting energy and dealing with
difficult people. The problem isn’t that I, too, am a difficult person; the
problem is, I am highly susceptible to being “under the influence”—usually concerning
emotion rather than controlled substances, sadly. As it turns out, I’m a better person, generally, when under the
influence of controlled substances.
Although
I meant to ride the bus this morning, that didn’t happen. Instead, I drove. I’ve
asked myself, why didn’t I do what I had
planned? What made me forego the bicycle and the bus in favor of the Chevy?
Answers are difficult to come by, but to put it out of my mind, I told myself
it was because I was ill-prepared for this morning when I woke up, which means
that in order to better meet my bicycling and bus-riding goals, I need to make
sure everything is ready before I go to bed. That being said, I have a sinking
suspicion that the biggest reason I didn’t get out my bicycle and ride to the
transit center is because, rather suddenly, I didn’t feel like it.
Now,
many people might say, “It’s okay if you didn’t feel like it. It happens.
Sometimes, we don’t feel like doing things and it’s okay to put it off for a
day and get to it another time.” That’s wonderful and I’m not going to say it’s
wrong, but I have fear. I fear that my emotions will continue to get the better
of me. Perhaps it’s an irrational fear; after all, healing isn’t linear. I can’t
just stop having bad moods or bad
days, but I can allow myself
forgiveness and I can get back up
from the fall.
I
am allowed to forgive myself. I deserve to forgive myself and I deserve to be
happy—even if it isn’t every day; even if I stumble and struggle, I deserve to
see myself through the journey of healing and I deserve all of the good things
in my life that depression forces me to overlook and underappreciate.
Thanks
for reading.
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