#Winning

My time this week has been spent primarily working on my illustrations. I also did a photoshoot with a friend of mine, so in addition to completing three drawings very recently and inking a new one on top of it, I have photographs to go over, edit, and upload for all to see. I look forward to the process, though it will be time-consuming and I’m not sure how I’ll get ahold of Photoshop in order to do it. I’m proud of the work I’ve accomplished thus far.

            In addition to pressing forward with my artistic endeavors, I feel pride in my ability to research things online and find information on various topics. On Facebook, I provided four reputable sources to back up my claims that families on public assistance are not what have destroyed our economy, but that instead it was the bailing out of the big banks in America that has tanked the economy and caused massive problems. I had a friend who was convinced that the people who abuse drugs while receiving “welfare” are proof that “most people” are lazy, unmotivated, static burdens on society.

            I allowed the topic to be dropped when my friend linked me to a source that provided an argument for drug testing welfare recipients. The same site had the opposing argument as well and I saw it as a moot point; yes, I think people should be tested for drugs for public assistance the same way they are tested if they join the military or get a real job. However, there is existing evidence that proves that drug testing those on public assistance costs much more money than it would save—despite the claims by those who are like my friend that it would somehow save money for state governments. My friend is convinced that the only reason it cost more than it saved was because the Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional to administer drug tests without reasonable suspicion.

            As far as I’m concerned, I won the debate due to my abundance of source material. I had the stronger argument, better referenced. But my thirst for knowledge was not quenched simply by proving that the big banks are the problem in America. After all, with Bernie Sanders’ campaign for President of the United States, the big-bank bailout is pretty well common knowledge and the only thing I learned was that the bailouts are still ongoing and costing trillions, rather than billions, of dollars. (http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikecollins/2015/07/14/the-big-bank-bailout/#26e9b2a83723)

            Thirsty still for more chances to assert my intellectual superiority over those around me, I went into my online classroom with University of Phoenix and took a look at the week’s discussion questions. Then, like the pretentious asshole I am, I found five different sources and wrote over 400 words, almost in essay format, on the topic at hand. Of course, looking back on it now, it’s difficult to remember, because that was on Monday and each week starts new on Tuesday.

            Overall, I would say that I feel like it’s a good time now for me to use these abilities for the greater good. I can do so by using my blog to my advantage and simply creating a blog entry for an issue I find in America or the world. My blog can be my personal collection of essays.

            Look out, world, here I come.

It Is Time...

The Evergreen State College is the only school I’ve read about and attended that can help me achieve my dreams. It is true that I have true aspirations and I have given them up for other endeavors, including my attempt at becoming a security officer through Securitas.

            Had I been able to stay awake without trouble, I could easily have done the job as transit security. I am a capable woman. I am strong and powerful.

            I choose to take this experience as a lesson. It is one that has taught me that it is time for me to make myself a priority. I am an artist. I enjoy drawing, painting, and writing. I want to make my life about drawing, painting, and writing, and there are things I can do to make money that will not cause me suffocating anxiety.

            The American Heart Association can certify me as a First Aid/CPR/AED trainer and I can make good money training people. I can pay to get a teaching certificate and work as a substitute teacher, though it will behoove me to complete my Bachelor’s Degree. A degree, I can get from The Evergreen State College and I can teach classes related to those that I am taking in school. I am a good teacher; many people have recognized this about me.

            I have a world of potential being wasted by my mental illness, but I cannot lie down and simply stop living—no matter how much my depression holds me down and I want to give up.

            This blog entry may sound determined. It may sound uplifting for me. But, the reality is that just before writing this, I wanted to die. I simply wanted to stop living and give up, fade away into the dust. What saved me was a drink Randy bought for me.

            The drink is designed to reduce stress and I’m surprised—happily so—to say that it works. I will definitely be needing more of them. Or, perhaps I need to get back into taking my St John’s Wort. In reality, if I hadn’t had this drink, I would probably still be in bed, where I spent most of my day today sleeping out of depression.

            This drink has managed to assuage the monster that is depression just enough for me to realize that it is up to me to get up in the morning and fight. Fight for a clean home despite the depression’s crushing weight that usually keeps me from lifting a finger to better my situation. Fight for a healthier, toner body, despite depression’s suffocating ability to keep me in a chair for hours upon hours at a time. Fight for my dreams, which I can follow best at the Evergreen State College. Fight to create—create and post to Patreon works of illustration, writing, and even photography.

            I’ve said it many times: It’s time for me to get up and take my life into my own hands. It’s time for me to stop seeking structure from an outside source. It’s as Lucifer himself said to me: I create my own path in this world and there is no one who can hold my hand for it, for it is my own. Healing is not linear, but I am on a healing path and that is what is most important.

Getting My Baby to Sleep

                “Shhh… Shhh… Shhh…” The mantra is a regular, along with Hush Little Baby and the occasional Alouette as I rock my six-month-old daughter in an attempt to make her sleep. Her eyes are heavy; they drift close only to snap back open and stare blearily at me, drifting closed yet again. Watching her fight sleep would be entertaining if it weren’t such a regular habit.

                Just about any parent on the plant knows the struggle, and if they don’t, I want to know their secrets to having babies sleep at regular times that can be scheduled.  My husband and I have been bed-sharing with our daughter since shortly after her birth; she slept better between the two of us and we wanted to be able to sleep, too. Now, she’s six going on seven months old and I am doing my absolute best to get her to sleep in her own bed. We have a pack-n-play set up on my side of the bed and I feel this need to insert myself as her mother, fully and completely, by getting her on a sleeping schedule wherein she sleeps in her own bed and things go well. I’m probably imagining some kind of unreachable utopia of parenthood that never happens, but it’s a damned good fantasy, damn it!

                It’s only been a few days, but here’s the rundown:

                Day after day, night after night, I sit in my recliner and rock with my daughter as I try to get her to fall asleep so I can put her in her bed and get work done. So far, I have only succeeded twice, and her sleep was short-lived. I don’t mind the short life of the nap as much as the times I’ve failed getting her to stay asleep after putting her down in her bed. I set up the old Graco swing my grandparents bought for us from a garage sale and found out Persephone enjoyed it. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that it wanted to launch Persephone at the TV. I still put her in the swing, but I either push her manually or watch her like a hawk while it’s on so that I can turn it off should it get even slightly too fast. We need a newer swing, but what can you do when you’re broke? That’s why I’ve been trying to learn HTML and other computer skills in order to have more success with my blog and, soon, my webcomic. Between trying to get Persephone to sleep and trying to work on my computer skills and making money online, I’ve found myself pushing off the Wii and getting a workout with Just Dance 4.

                This evening, I became so angry that I was shaking. Persephone had woken up both times I’d put her down in her bed; both times, she’d looked around for a minute or two and then started crying. I can’t figure out why she won’t go back to sleep like she’s done twice for me previously. Am I putting her down too quickly? Maybe I should fake putting her down before actually putting her down so that she doesn’t think much of it. Maybe I should also move slower as I go.

Delving into Freelancing

It’s certainly no secret that for the past month, I’ve been looking into working as a freelancer using one of my talents—writing, editing, and/or illustrating. I list all three skills on both freelance accounts I have online, one with oDesk.com and one with Elance.com. Until recently, I thought I would have no luck in the freelance world—that all my efforts would come to nothing and flop.

Then, a client on oDesk.com hired me for a fixed-price job of $20 to draw a cowboy silhouette by the name of “Sancho Pants”. I excitedly took the job and ran with it, hoping to produce something exemplary that would make the client happy. My efforts seemed to fall off the mark, though, as the client simplified the job not once, but twice. My drawings went from full-bodied sketches of bowing cowboys, to silhouette sketches of cowboy heads, to a simple hat and moustache.

I remain quite pleased with the initial sketch—second and third from the left, as you can see. I really do think that particular cowboy was my best work with this job, but as it turns out, my client was happiest with the final product, as seen on the far right. At first, I was disappointed, because when I sent the final image file, I received nothing more than a notification through oDesk.com that my contract for the job had been ended—my only consolation at the time was to look at my payment and see that I had the rest of my money pending my account; this is the only thing that told me the client could have been pleased with my work.

With the completion of the cowboy silhouette, I looked briefly at other illustration jobs, but felt a lack in confidence. I didn’t want another client to simplify their desires  or find me inept. Therefore, I focused more of my efforts on finding jobs in writing and/or editing.

Almost miraculously, I landed an hourly job! The client wanted only freelancers with the lowest rates; based on the average proposals to his job offer, I knew that what I asked by my profile would be too much for him, so I lowered my standards to a mere $1 per hour. It’s not much, but at this point I was simply looking for something to do part-time to get my foot in the door of freelancing and, hopefully, find a client who would give me some feedback so that I might find higher-paying jobs in the future.

It wasn’t until after accepting an official contract with this client—who wanted me to write reviews for textbooks—that I saw that my client for the cowboy silhouette had, in fact, left a feedback for me. It wasn’t just any feedback, either—my profile now boasts 4.6 of 5 stars as a feedback rating, with the words “Job well done” put in by the client himself. I was elated to find this! This was precisely what I was looking for! It also explained one more thing…

Right before seeing my feedback rating from the client who wanted a cowboy silhouette, I received two invitations to interview for writing jobs. The first, I accepted; I then found out that the job, while fixed-price, will pay me $245.00 (based on my proposal and in keeping with the client’s budget) to write a number of reviews for porn websites. Did I have a problem with this? Not at all! If anything, I remain amused, because I’m not the largest fan of porn in general and I certainly don’t pay for the porn I watch. After accepting the porn site reviews job, I received another invitation to interview for a writing job—another fixed-price job, this one for $20, to write a counterargument for something. I don’t know what it was, because I decided to decline the invitation, due to the fact that I now hold two part-time writing jobs and since I’m still technically employed full-time by the military (at least until the end of next week), I didn’t want to overwhelm myself with work.

I made sure to change my availability to reflect that I am not available for new work at this time. I think, though, that when I make myself available again, I will likely receive more invitations for jobs on oDesk.com due at least partly to the one good feedback I have from Sancho-Pants-Man.

Oh, and in my free time, I decided to take my favorite sketch of Sancho Pants and make it into a decent drawing.