My
friend and long-time acquaintance, Alex, was visiting and Randy was napping
with Persephone. We were talking about the past, a good 10-13 years ago,
reminiscing on some good times, some bad times, and whatever else came to mind.
We were on the topic of friends.
“I only
had two friends at Roy. And one of them was a shitty friend and the other one
moved to Illinois at the end of sixth grade.”
“Who
was that?”
“Rose
Stramaglia.”
“I
remember her! You know, I was actually just thinking of her the other day.”
“What?
No way! I think about her off and on. We wrote to each other for a while, but
then we lost contact. I’ve tried finding her online and everything, to no
avail.”
We went
on for a little while, talking about Rose and how I missed her and how he heard
her talking to his friend Meechie and that’s when he stopped picking on her
like all the other kids did. I was impressed that she’d talked to one of the
guys we thought were real assholes; I was also surprised to hear that she’d
been a fan of and played Final Fantasy. That brought us to the topic of video
games and I mentioned how my aforementioned shitty friend, Kaydee, would make
me watch her play video games relentlessly.
“She
was a terrible friend. I’d go over to her house and she would just…”
“She
would just do whatever she wanted?”
“I mean—yeah,
basically—you know, she just did her own thing, regardless of my presence. She
would play her video games and wouldn’t let me play or join.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.
Like, I’m pretty sure she’s the main reason I never was a big gamer. Because
she never let me play. That, and my fucking games would disappear. Like, I had
a Sega Genesis once, and my Sonic the Hedgehog and Echo the Dolphin games just
up and disappeared… so I gave the console back to my dad.”
All of
a sudden, Alex was looking at me a lot more meaningfully, which is saying
something, as he tends to have a very meaningful expression nearly all the time
on his face. He looked away and I couldn’t figure out why he looked guilty,
until—
“Yeah,
about that…” Deep breath. “I think… I’m pretty sure… I mean, I broke your game.”
What?! Wait. No. What? How—I don’t even—what?
I don’t remember taking my game to school, even. How did he break it? He never
visited me; he’d never even met my grandma until just the other day! How the
hell did he even get my game, let alone steal it?!
Complete mystification.
Honestly, I was shocked.
“How—what?”
“Yeah,
I just saw it, like, hanging out of the desk, and I just… I just wanted it, so
I took it. I think I wanted it for like, a collection thing, at first… and then
I broke it. I don’t even know why I did it, I am so sorry. I felt like shit as
soon as I did it, like, I probably just destroyed something that really meant
something to someone. I’m sorry.”
“Wow… I
just… Wow. It’s okay…”
“No, it’s
not. I’m sorry. I’m a dick.”
“Well…
yeah. Just. Wow, dude, you were a dick.”
“Yeah…”
He
looked so guilty, I couldn’t even be mad at him, which caused a great deal of
confusion within me. All of a sudden, this great mystery of my life was solved,
and the person responsible for me giving up my Sega was sitting right next to
me, feeling as guilty as they come and apologizing profusely. Honestly, I
couldn’t hold it against him. I couldn’t even say what would ordinarily have
been the first thing to come to mind. I couldn’t bring myself to be indignant
or angry, so I just said it was okay and he said it wasn’t, then I explained
that I appreciate the honesty and it was a long time ago, so I don’t hold a
grudge. Still, the revelation had rendered me shocked, to say the least.
We revisited
the topic a few more times. He couldn’t express his regret enough, despite my
assurances that all was well—after all, he has a plan in place to make it up to
me and it’s more than acceptable. Mostly, I couldn’t believe that he, of all people, was the person
responsible for my loss of Sonic the Hedgehog. I never would have suspected him
unless someone had been hinting at it. All this time, I’d thought that Kaydee
had probably run off with it some time when she visited; it seemed to me as
though the game was in my drawer one day and mysteriously gone the next. If
someone had told me that a person had broken my game, I would have initially
assumed it was my “friend”, and then I would have run down the list of kids who
picked on me, from worst to best, until I gave up (because, honestly, I never
would have guessed it was Alex).
Even
now, days later, I find myself bemused and mildly stunned to think of it. I
hold no grudge, mind you; it was a long time ago and Alex has by and large made
amends already. At the time, though, I found myself stunned. I made an attempt
to take care of my daughter and it didn’t work; Randy took her back and I
simply went outside to smoke because I was overwhelmed with emotion. The
feeling that I’m failing as a mother is bad enough by itself; this night, it
was amplified by the feeling that my peers, in my childhood, really wanted to
ruin my life. I had been awash with a strange kind of joy at the moment of the
revelation; the fact that Alex had provided me closure on this video game was a
moment of great relief, despite the fact of the matter. It actually took a few
minutes for the realization to sink in that I was sitting beside someone I now
considered a close friend and he was telling me that he was personally
responsible for what may have been a major event in my life that contributed to
the reasons why I was never a big gamer like many of the friends I have now
always have been. Suddenly, I felt as if my world had been turned upside-down.
The world really was out to get me and the proof was in the pudding, as they say.
Suddenly, I felt as if losing my Sonic the Hedgehog game for the Sega Genesis
was the reason I didn’t play all of the Elder Scrolls games, or why I haven’t
finished a video game since beating Portal 2 in tech school because my
boyfriend-of-the-time insisted I play the game and I got hooked immediately.
Suddenly, it was as if Alex was personally responsible for my never really
fitting in to any niche or clique in school.
I
recognized the toxicity of those feelings as well as the irrational thinking
behind them. I knew that what I was feeling was inaccurate and unreasonable,
not to mention unfair to Alex. It had been a stupid, impulsive action by a
preteen boy, for which he felt immediately sorry and has been regretting ever
since. Who was I to start pinning all of my childhood woes on him? He wasn’t
even a primary tormentor! If anything, he had largely left me alone up to
seventh grade, when he would regularly bait me into letting out a completely
predictable (because I said literally the same exact thing every time) stream
of curse words that was intended to make him leave me alone. Then, after
seventh grade, until he suddenly apologized for an array of things in our
sophomore year and subsequently afterwards, he left me alone. We became
Facebook friends after our making amends in school but still didn’t talk until
I returned from the military and sent him a message, one day. I had absolutely
nothing to hold against Alex—why the hell
would I suddenly grasp on to this one cruel act and hold it over his head as
though he deserves all the extra blame and guilt? I smoked a bowl and came back
inside, moped around a bit, and finally started to feel better.
Randy
came in and Alex and I told him what we’d been discussing. Alex told Randy he
was going to get me the game the next day, to replace the one he’d broken.
Randy’s immediate response was to point out that I no longer have a Sega Genesis,
followed by an anecdote about the Genesis he found that comes with 12 games,
all for like fifty dollars, that Alex could get for me instead, for my
birthday. Alex actually agreed—rather eagerly, in fact—even though I still felt
as though he’d made amends enough and could make amends more in other ways if
he felt the need. But, hey, he’s saving me from having to buy the Genesis
myself later on!
In
seriousness, though, I admire the honesty of my friend and the courage it took
for him to look me in the eye and tell me what he did. Any person who has the
moral fiber to do that deserves to be forgiven and to put the past behind them,
releasing it and accepting it as a part of their past and nothing more, nothing
worse.
