Unsolicited Human Resources Visit

I was taken to Human Resources, today.

Today started out quite badly but has ended rather well, much to my fortune. Unfortunately, I woke up extremely exhausted and had such difficulty staying awake that I could easily have crashed the car had I not managed to stay just vigilant enough… but I couldn’t stay awake in class to save my life. I practically slept through the PowerPoint presentations and I’m not sure how I managed to pass the tests. Kat told me it’s because I have more brains than the average bear, and I’ll take that. I’ve always taken pride in my intelligence, particularly when others recognize it and commend me for it.

            While I’m not sure why I was so exhausted this morning, I’m equally unsure of why suddenly, around 09:00, pain shot through my chest near my left shoulder when I shifted and raised my arm slightly. The pain persisted, so I went to Kat’s office and asked if I could enter for a minute; she accepted and I closed the door behind me to sit before her and explain what was happening.

            I explained the pain and that I didn’t know why it was happening. She got up from her chair and instructed me to sit in it and lean back after she told me to take off my duty vest and belt. I followed her instructions and leaned back as told to do, then broke into some tears.

            “I can’t seem to stay awake—it’s making me really emotional, I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking as tears broke free from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. She looked at me kindly and said: “It’s okay. I know it’s from frustration. You’re frustrated with yourself because you can’t stay awake.” She explained that she understood because she got the same thing; she tends to cry when she gets overly frustrated with herself. It felt so good to have someone stand before me and tell me that they get it.

            Kat told me to rest my head on her desk and get some sleep. She said she was going to go “do uniforms,” which meant going into the back room and picking out uniform items for us to take home today to wear tomorrow and for the rest of our time working on the Sound Transit account. I couldn’t believe my ears—I was being instructed to get some sleep—while at work! I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I moved the chair to the place she’d indicated on her desk and laid my head down, when she added, “and if you feel like crying, go ahead and do that, too.” I can’t remember feeling so blessed.

            I know that I fell asleep because I woke to a knock on the door. I’m not sure why, but I thought it was Kat, perhaps announcing her presence before entering since she knew I was sleeping as she’d told me to. Instead, it was Ryan, one of the instructors.

            “Are you okay?” he asked me. He’d asked me this quite a bit over the past couple of weeks and it made me slightly concerned because I felt—still feel, really—like more attention is on me because I’ve had a couple of difficulties that I view as minor but I understand how those above me view them as major. For example, when I had difficulty breathing, it would be a major problem if it persisted and I was unable to wear my duty vest because it prevented me from getting enough oxygen while breathing. I said I was okay and that Kat had told me to wait in her office for a little bit.

            “Are you okay to talk?” he asked. I thought he would want to talk to me again, as he’d done twice before. I was wrong.

            Instead, he led me to the head of Human Resources, Heather, and dropped me off in her office. I sat before her while she explained that falling asleep on the job is a terminable offense in my line of work, which was something I already understood because it had been covered in our first day of orientation. She repeated this probably three or four times before our conversation was through, but she did allow me to explain my situation to her and exactly what has been going on with me, which at first made me feel like she was truly listening… but by the end of the visit, I was left relatively unsure, in part because she got the last word.

            She led me back to Kat’s office and I re-entered after Heather left, sitting in front of Kat again.

            “What happened?” she asked. She asked if I’d gotten any sleep. I felt jittery, then, the way I feel when I’m woken suddenly from a sleep that may or may not have been very deep. It was a kind of jittery that comes from anxiety, I later discovered, but at the time I explained it to Kat as “the jittery I feel when I’m woken up suddenly, so I know I slept,” at least a little.

            “Ryan came and knocked on the door and then took me to her—her name was Heather?” Kat nodded and said yes. “He took me to Heather’s office and she explained to me that falling asleep is a terminable offense, which I already knew…” I explained what had happened and Kat looked at me. I’m not sure if her expression was sad, irritated, or a little bit of both, but she then explained to me that she had not wanted to involve HR.

            She had wanted to take care of me and help me feel better without involving HR because she understood that with me, like with her, all I really needed was a little rest and I would be good to go. And I was, for the most part. I still took a nap after I got home, but I did feel more awake after the short nap I’d taken in her office. She told me that she’d told Matt, the other male instructor who actively taught classes during the first three weeks of training, but that she hadn’t told Ryan, and she’d wanted me to simply rest for a bit in her office without needing to involve HR.

            Suddenly, it felt as if Human Resources was the enemy. Like involving them was my first step out the door of the company for which I’ve just barely started working. Thinking back on it, I’m still not quite filled with dread, but I am wary. I’m aware that things I cannot control could cause me to need to find different employment, and the idea is terrifying to me because I feel like I’m in a job that’s actually a good fit for me. I don’t want to be proven wrong by forces outside my own control.

            I left early today to make at least one appointment with the VA. I ended up leaving a message because the nurse didn’t answer her phone—perhaps she was on lunch—and she has yet to return my call. In the meantime, I’ve purchased melatonin to help me sleep at night and niacin to wake me up in the morning, as the sleep issue has been relatively persistent since starting my 07:00-15:00 training shift. Perhaps that persistence is why Ryan took me to HR.

            Regardless of the reasoning for what happened this morning, today did end on a positive note. I had a good nap after I got home and left my voicemail with the nurse who works for my doctor at the VA, we took Persephone to play at the mall, and we had a decent dinner. Here’s to hoping melatonin and niacin are enough to fix my sleeping problems.

Happy News

My mother gained custody of me when I was 7 years old, going on 8. I spent two years with her and moved back in with my grandparents; this is no secret. I lived with my grandparents from 4^th grade all the way through high school graduation, until I left for the military. I even lived with them again after separating from the Air Force and while my little family was homeless after our first apartment as civilians.

            Living with my mother was difficult for many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons was my lack of friends. At any given time, I had one good friend, maybe a second not-so-good friend. This carried over to 4^th grade, after I’d moved back in with my grandparents; I had two friends at Roy Elementary and one of them was a bitch. Their names were Rose and Kaydee, in order of importance.

            Rose was a phenomenal friend; I loved everything about her. She was kind, thoughtful, and friendly; we played with our Barbies together and talked about school and our bullies and crushes. My memory isn’t the best for specifics, but it’s as they say: People will forget what you said to them, but will never forget how you made them feel. Rose made me feel included. I will never in all my life forget that.

            After 6^th grade, Rose moved to Illinois. For a while, we wrote each other, back and forth. Then, one day, my letter came back with a “Return to Sender” stamp on it. I tried again and again, each time in vain, to get the letter to the address I had for her. Every time, it came back, until I finally gave up and assumed defeat. That is, until I made a Facebook account.

            It occurred to me that social media could be used to find Rose. I remembered that she’d liked being on the computer as much as I’d liked it, when we were kids. Neither of us were able to spend as much time as we wanted to on our respective household computers. I thought, If I have a Facebook account, maybe Rose does, too! And so, I searched for her.

            Nothing came up. I searched again. Still nothing.

            Over the years, I searched for her less often, but none of my search results resembled the friend I’d had.

            Until today.

            Today, I typed her full name into the search bar during my lunch break. I was on my phone and I don’t know why, but I suddenly figured, “I’m gonna look for Rose, again. See what happens.” And there she was! The first result in my search was her!

            It has been a long time since I’ve felt such elation. Immediately, I sent her a friend request and a message—a rather enthusiastic message—and told two of my friends what had just happened, since I was in conversation with them at the time. I sent another message shortly thereafter, upon realizing that perhaps the first one might have come across a little creepily.

            At this time, I await a response. I don’t know if or when she will get back to me, but at least now I know I can hope. Now I know that my friend is out there, still in Illinois, possibly working in a library, and I have done my part in finding her. My hopes are that we can reconnect; she was my best friend and we’d both agreed that our only other friend, whom we shared, wasn’t much of a friend at all.

            Now I can rest more easily and perhaps with a smile in my heart, knowing that she grew up and is still out there. If we reconnect and our friendship is still strong, I sincerely hope to visit her, perhaps in June when we go to Indiana.

            For this reason, as well as the fact that I received my paycheck and learned that I will be posted as close to home as is possible within my client’s properties, today was green! I haven’t had such a green day in so long, I’d forgotten what it was like to feel so good. First, I found Rose. Then, I learned that I’ll be posted close to home. Then, I received my paycheck. Then, I received a Labyrinth T-shirt and Horcrux socks from Loot Crate!

            I live in Federal Way, Washington. Nearby cities include Kent and Auburn, both of which have stations attached to the client to which I’m assigned through my employer. The area is called “King,” while the area the rest of my class is going to is called “Paul” and includes Seattle and some areas nearby. The fact that I was assigned to the King section is not only extremely lucky for me, it’s extremely rare!

            This information came from the man who first interviewed me for the company for which I now work. He entered the classroom, spoke with the instructor for a while, and then pulled me into an office to ask me about the breathing difficulty I’d had, the other day. I told him that I don’t think it will be a problem, that I think I’ll be able to wear the ballistics vest for 12 hours without incident and I don’t know why I’d been short of breath. He then told me, first, that he almost never assigns people to the King area; he then informed me that he’d placed me there! Happy news! I grinned from ear to ear, to be repeated upon my arrival home…

            Overall, today was the greenest day I’ve had in a long time. Finding my old friend, learning my posts-to-be, the arrival of my paycheck, the Loot Crate merchandise… I can sleep well tonight, I think, and it’s the weekend! I don’t even have to get up as early as usual!

An Unpolished Account from Kirkland to Hoquiam

In my life, I have decided to make a point of not talking badly about people behind their backs. It was driven home yesterday that not everyone shares such a desire to avoid gossip and bullshit. I learned yesterday that someone who used to be a “friend” is jealous of me and likes to talk shit about everyone around her.

            The conversation started innocently enough. Randy, my friend Kelly, her dog, my dog, Persephone, and I all met with another friend of mine in Kirkland, a place I’d never visited before. I was pleasantly impressed by what I saw of Kirkland, little as it was, and my friend, Kara, and I were sitting on the grass, she with her son and I with my dog, as Randy chased Persephone around the grass. I’m not sure why or how the conversation ended up on a Facebook group we’re in, but Kara mentioned the group, which I’ll call the Lounge, and asked me a question having to do with some other group members.

            “Some of the other ladies left the group,” she said. I hadn’t known anything about it, so I hmm’d and ha’d and nodded my head, furrowing my brow and mentioning my ignorance of the other, now former, group members’ activities. At the mention of other members of the group, though, I thought of someone who had been a mutual friend to Kara and me who goes by Nessa. Opportunity bloomed before my eyes for me to tell someone about how Nessa had suddenly, unexpectedly, and without a word to me, deleted me from her Facebook friends’ list. I didn’t feel that it was a great loss—Nessa had blatantly avoided my Halloween party last year, only to have the gall to invite me to her house when I’d expressed that no one was showing up to my party—but I hadn’t had anyone to tell about her having deleted me until just now, because I didn’t have anyone nearby who would have cared to hear about it in any capacity.

            “Nessa deleted me from Facebook,” I said, adding something before the sentence to segue into the topic. The reaction from Kara wasn’t quite what I’d expected, as she said: “She’s jealous of you.” Did I say that wasn’t quite what I’d expected? Let me correct that: It came as a complete surprise. My eyes widened and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

            Well, it was then that I learned that Nessa had been talking badly about me to Kara, who did nothing to add to it and simply tried to diffuse the situation when it came up (after all, she and I are friends and I’ve done nothing to incur either woman’s wrath), but of course I was filled with a burning curiosity to know what was said about me, behind my back, without my knowledge. Happily for me, Kara was happy enough to oblige and humor my curiosity.

            What I learned wasn’t necessarily very specific, but it was quite revealing. Before delving into the things Nessa had said about me—which were quite unimportant but satisfied my curiosity nonetheless—Kara mentioned that Nessa had betrayed her, and not slightly.

            The story is not mine to tell, but suffice to say that what Nessa did was a complete betrayal of trust with Kara and, as far as I’m concerned, was unforgivable. Kara is a more forgiving woman than I, however, and she did forgive Nessa for it—though she admitted to me that she shouldn’t have, based on the caliber of person Nessa has proven to be. Long story short, the betrayal had to do with an actual legal case that was going on and Nessa gave out information that she had specifically been forewarned not to give out. Her excuse when she apologized profusely was as follows: “I didn’t mean to.”

            She didn’t mean to? I don’t think so. Let’s spell out a scenario of similarity in order to shed some light onto my incredulity. Let’s say that Susie is my partner’s ex and she’s trying to keep half of my partner’s belongings because they used to be together, but my partner wants his belongings back, so he’s fighting for them using the legal system. I don’t want Susie to know anything about me because it could somehow jeopardize my partner getting his things back, so I tell my friend, who has become friends with Susie, that I don’t want Susie to know about me. I specifically tell my friend, Nessa (let’s at least keep that part consistent), “Please don’t tell Susie anything about me. I don’t want her to know my name, where I live, what I do for a living, or anything. Nothing. Please.” Nessa agrees, but the next thing I know, Nessa has told Susie every last thing she knows about me!

            I would never have forgiven Nessa.

            Hearing Kara’s story was infuriating. I was filled with a kind of righteous rage, that which drives me to exact vengeance on those who have wronged me or those close to me. I put it aside, however, as it’s not my battle and my friend had already forgiven her for the betrayal, whether it deserved forgiving or not. So, rather than getting into a rage and ranting about the injustice of it all, I mentioned my Halloween party—which led to my learning that Kara had planned to attend, with Nessa! Another surprise!

            This was when I learned that Nessa enjoys making plans with Kara and being the person who coordinates it all, with or without Kara’s knowledge but often with her involvement, only to then decide to cancel and leave the cancelling up to Kara, who beforehand hadn’t even known she’d be involved. It’s a shitty thing to do. Imagine if you and I were friends and I made plans that involved you, but didn’t tell you about them. You get a call from the person with whom I’ve made the plans: “Hey, are you still coming to my picnic?” You’re surprised: “What picnic? Was I going to something? What’s this about?” Suddenly, you become aware that I’ve signed you up for an event without your consent or knowledge. Then, on the day of the event, I say, “You know, I just want to stay home. Can you cancel? Also, can you find a bus back to your house since you don’t have a car and I don’t feel like driving even though I don’t have an issue with gas money because you’d help me with it if I would just give you a ride?” Essentially, that is what Nessa does to Kara.

            When Kara said she’d planned on coming to my party with Nessa, I was angry with the latter woman all over again. How dare she ignore my party completely, make plans with someone to actually attend, then cancel and follow up with the gall to invite me to her disgustingly filthy household to do what I could only assume would amount to sitting outside and smoking weed, because the interior of the house is revolting and also a health hazard…which brings me to my next point.

            Nessa was offended when I looked out for the health and well-being of a child at her home.

            Nessa is not a mother. She cannot understand motherly instinct and she clearly doesn’t respect one mother’s concern over another mother’s child. Nessa had requested help in cleaning her disgustingly filthy home, and I had volunteered because it had been my idea that she should conduct a cleaning party and get as much support as she could, so as to get it done and maybe make it fun. Another friend of mine helped, admittedly more than I did, but on the first day, I was there. So was another woman Nessa had invited.

            The other woman had a small child, perhaps 4 or 5 years old, if memory serves. The house was full of fumes from unchanged kitty litter and stagnant chicken shit in the floors. Unhealthy, respiratory-problem-causing fumes. So, looking out for the child, I suggested keeping her outside so as to prevent her getting sick. Kara told me that her son gets sick every time she takes him with her to visit Nessa’s home. Yet, Nessa took great offense to my concern, choosing to take it as some kind of slight against her. Ridiculous.

            It turns out, from the enlightenment I received from Kara, that Nessa seemed to decide she no longer liked me after I suggested keeping the child outside for health and safety reasons. I had no idea. Nessa never said how she felt while I was at her home, cleaning without safety equipment, nor did she send me a message over Facebook or a text message via phone to express her feelings over the matter. She did, however, feel comfortable with venting all about it to Kara, which turned out well for me because I get a much better idea of her character in addition to getting closure over the issue.

            I will have it known that I did not consider the loss of Nessa’s Facebook friendship to be a big loss. I looked at the “add friend” button on Nessa’s page and thought, “Well, that was unexpected.” That was about the end of it for me, until my good friend, Kara, enlightened me further.

            If anything, my conversation with Kara about Nessa made me feel better about myself and gave me closure to an issue that had vaguely confused me. Someone is jealous of me. What an ego boost! The only other person who has admitted to being jealous of me has done so to my face and it was my older brother, who has proven himself to be a real nigga capable of real talk, whereas this bitch can’t even tell me to my face how she feels. My older brother thinks I’m better than him—it’s not true, but it’s what he told me he thinks, to my face, because he has balls—while this bitch complains about me behind my back and talks about how “negative” I am when I post a meme.

            I compare Nessa to my older brother only because they’re both jealous of me. That is the only connection and the only reason I think about it is because, for the longest time, I thought my brother was a bitch-ass nigga. Ebonics may not be my first language, but I’ve become familiar with it and it is the most appropriate way to describe some things. This is one of those things. Hearing about Nessa made me realize that my brother isn’t nearly as lame as I thought he was and he does, in fact, have the intestinal fortitude to be a good man. I have so much more respect for him now than I did before the revelations of Kara.

            So, for my brother, Cristopher: If you’re reading this, I love you and you are important to me. I want to help you in any way I can to make your dreams come true.

A Shocking Revelation

                My friend and long-time acquaintance, Alex, was visiting and Randy was napping with Persephone. We were talking about the past, a good 10-13 years ago, reminiscing on some good times, some bad times, and whatever else came to mind. We were on the topic of friends.

                “I only had two friends at Roy. And one of them was a shitty friend and the other one moved to Illinois at the end of sixth grade.”

                “Who was that?”

                “Rose Stramaglia.”

                “I remember her! You know, I was actually just thinking of her the other day.”

                “What? No way! I think about her off and on. We wrote to each other for a while, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried finding her online and everything, to no avail.”

                We went on for a little while, talking about Rose and how I missed her and how he heard her talking to his friend Meechie and that’s when he stopped picking on her like all the other kids did. I was impressed that she’d talked to one of the guys we thought were real assholes; I was also surprised to hear that she’d been a fan of and played Final Fantasy. That brought us to the topic of video games and I mentioned how my aforementioned shitty friend, Kaydee, would make me watch her play video games relentlessly.

                “She was a terrible friend. I’d go over to her house and she would just…”

                “She would just do whatever she wanted?”

                “I mean—yeah, basically—you know, she just did her own thing, regardless of my presence. She would play her video games and wouldn’t let me play or join.”

                “Wow.”

                “Yeah. Like, I’m pretty sure she’s the main reason I never was a big gamer. Because she never let me play. That, and my fucking games would disappear. Like, I had a Sega Genesis once, and my Sonic the Hedgehog and Echo the Dolphin games just up and disappeared… so I gave the console back to my dad.”

                All of a sudden, Alex was looking at me a lot more meaningfully, which is saying something, as he tends to have a very meaningful expression nearly all the time on his face. He looked away and I couldn’t figure out why he looked guilty, until—

                “Yeah, about that…” Deep breath. “I think… I’m pretty sure… I mean, I broke your game.”

                What?! Wait. No. What? How—I don’t even—what? I don’t remember taking my game to school, even. How did he break it? He never visited me; he’d never even met my grandma until just the other day! How the hell did he even get my game, let alone steal it?!

                Complete mystification. Honestly, I was shocked.

                “How—what?”

                “Yeah, I just saw it, like, hanging out of the desk, and I just… I just wanted it, so I took it. I think I wanted it for like, a collection thing, at first… and then I broke it. I don’t even know why I did it, I am so sorry. I felt like shit as soon as I did it, like, I probably just destroyed something that really meant something to someone. I’m sorry.”

                “Wow… I just… Wow. It’s okay…”

                “No, it’s not. I’m sorry. I’m a dick.”

                “Well… yeah. Just. Wow, dude, you were a dick.”

                “Yeah…”

                He looked so guilty, I couldn’t even be mad at him, which caused a great deal of confusion within me. All of a sudden, this great mystery of my life was solved, and the person responsible for me giving up my Sega was sitting right next to me, feeling as guilty as they come and apologizing profusely. Honestly, I couldn’t hold it against him. I couldn’t even say what would ordinarily have been the first thing to come to mind. I couldn’t bring myself to be indignant or angry, so I just said it was okay and he said it wasn’t, then I explained that I appreciate the honesty and it was a long time ago, so I don’t hold a grudge. Still, the revelation had rendered me shocked, to say the least.

                We revisited the topic a few more times. He couldn’t express his regret enough, despite my assurances that all was well—after all, he has a plan in place to make it up to me and it’s more than acceptable. Mostly, I couldn’t believe that he, of all people, was the person responsible for my loss of Sonic the Hedgehog. I never would have suspected him unless someone had been hinting at it. All this time, I’d thought that Kaydee had probably run off with it some time when she visited; it seemed to me as though the game was in my drawer one day and mysteriously gone the next. If someone had told me that a person had broken my game, I would have initially assumed it was my “friend”, and then I would have run down the list of kids who picked on me, from worst to best, until I gave up (because, honestly, I never would have guessed it was Alex).

                Even now, days later, I find myself bemused and mildly stunned to think of it. I hold no grudge, mind you; it was a long time ago and Alex has by and large made amends already. At the time, though, I found myself stunned. I made an attempt to take care of my daughter and it didn’t work; Randy took her back and I simply went outside to smoke because I was overwhelmed with emotion. The feeling that I’m failing as a mother is bad enough by itself; this night, it was amplified by the feeling that my peers, in my childhood, really wanted to ruin my life. I had been awash with a strange kind of joy at the moment of the revelation; the fact that Alex had provided me closure on this video game was a moment of great relief, despite the fact of the matter. It actually took a few minutes for the realization to sink in that I was sitting beside someone I now considered a close friend and he was telling me that he was personally responsible for what may have been a major event in my life that contributed to the reasons why I was never a big gamer like many of the friends I have now always have been. Suddenly, I felt as if my world had been turned upside-down. The world really was out to get me and the proof was in the pudding, as they say. Suddenly, I felt as if losing my Sonic the Hedgehog game for the Sega Genesis was the reason I didn’t play all of the Elder Scrolls games, or why I haven’t finished a video game since beating Portal 2 in tech school because my boyfriend-of-the-time insisted I play the game and I got hooked immediately. Suddenly, it was as if Alex was personally responsible for my never really fitting in to any niche or clique in school.

                I recognized the toxicity of those feelings as well as the irrational thinking behind them. I knew that what I was feeling was inaccurate and unreasonable, not to mention unfair to Alex. It had been a stupid, impulsive action by a preteen boy, for which he felt immediately sorry and has been regretting ever since. Who was I to start pinning all of my childhood woes on him? He wasn’t even a primary tormentor! If anything, he had largely left me alone up to seventh grade, when he would regularly bait me into letting out a completely predictable (because I said literally the same exact thing every time) stream of curse words that was intended to make him leave me alone. Then, after seventh grade, until he suddenly apologized for an array of things in our sophomore year and subsequently afterwards, he left me alone. We became Facebook friends after our making amends in school but still didn’t talk until I returned from the military and sent him a message, one day. I had absolutely nothing to hold against Alex—why the hell would I suddenly grasp on to this one cruel act and hold it over his head as though he deserves all the extra blame and guilt? I smoked a bowl and came back inside, moped around a bit, and finally started to feel better.

                Randy came in and Alex and I told him what we’d been discussing. Alex told Randy he was going to get me the game the next day, to replace the one he’d broken. Randy’s immediate response was to point out that I no longer have a Sega Genesis, followed by an anecdote about the Genesis he found that comes with 12 games, all for like fifty dollars, that Alex could get for me instead, for my birthday. Alex actually agreed—rather eagerly, in fact—even though I still felt as though he’d made amends enough and could make amends more in other ways if he felt the need. But, hey, he’s saving me from having to buy the Genesis myself later on!

In seriousness, though, I admire the honesty of my friend and the courage it took for him to look me in the eye and tell me what he did. Any person who has the moral fiber to do that deserves to be forgiven and to put the past behind them, releasing it and accepting it as a part of their past and nothing more, nothing worse.

Surprise! You're Pregnant

                The morning of March 21^st was painfully ordinary. I had been assigned since December to snow removal shift—a special duty during winter time with one focus: Remove any and all snow that falls on the flightline as quickly as possible. Due to lack of snow this past season, however, those in charge saw fit to end snow removal, and I was sent back to my ordinary workplace—my shop. I’d been back since Monday, having somehow shifted my schedule over the past four days from night shift to day shift. I was also assigned to the Unit Fitness Improvement Program—a required program for anyone who has failed a physical fitness test. I’d been on the program, making slow but steady progress, since I failed my first ever fitness test in July, last year. This morning—Friday, March 21^st—was the defining morning of my time in the program. The plan this morning was that I would take a “mock” fitness assessment—basically, a fitness test that doesn’t get recorded officially, as a means of measuring whether or not I was ready to take the official test again and pass it. Upon passing—and I was absolutely certain I would—I would be scheduled for my official test, which I would then take and pass, and I would no longer be required to show up every morning at 05:30 to the gym (although my plan was to continue going for further improvement). I was excited and nervous at the same time.

                Commence the test! I passed my push-ups and sit-ups without problems! It was time to run a mile and a half. As I stood after completing sit-ups, however, I felt a horribly sharp pain in what was undeniably my uterus. My first thought was that something had gone awry with my Intra-Uterine Device—the lovely little T-shaped doodad that acted as a contraceptive. The pain was stabbing, but I thought, if the IUD had moved, then I would simply walk it off so that I could do my run, finish the test, and have the Unit Fitness Program Manager schedule me for my official test before the middle of April.

                As I walked, though, I realized something. First, the pain in my uterus was not abating. Second, trying to jog in order to warm up only made the pain worse. I began to worry that I wouldn’t be able to run for the test, and would therefore forfeit the entire thing that morning. What was even worse was that the plan for Squadron PT that morning was a mile-and-a-half run that involved a very large hill. If I couldn’t run for my fitness test, only to miraculously recover to run for PT, how would that look on me? I’d look like I’d pretended pain just to get out of the fitness test!

                The UFPM came up to the track and I approached him after trying another warm-up lap with no lessening of pain. He asked if I was ready, so I told him what had happened and explained that I had already scheduled an appointment with the medical clinic for the following Monday. I didn’t give him all the details, but I’d scheduled that appointment because I had been missing periods for a couple of months and having strange pains on occasion within my uterus. I attributed these things to a problem with the IUD—not to mention, skipping periods has been normal since adolescence. What’s more, I was told that a pregnancy test conducted in January was negative! So, here I was, in the gym with the UFPM, telling him that I had pain and thought my IUD had moved.

                “I’d rather you be able to run for the PT test. It would be better for you to run the test than to run for PT with the squadron,” he told me. I completely agreed—but my uterus didn’t. So, we made a plan. My husband and I would try to find an opening at the clinic that very morning for me to have the issue looked at. If that didn’t work, we would go to the ER.

                Commence plan A: Find an appointment at the clinic that morning! This plan failed miserably. There was absolutely nothing open—not even for an urgent issue! Talk about useless!

                Commence plan B: To the ER! Now, this plan panned out. Randy drove me straight to the Bitburg hospital and we walked into the ER area and found a nurse. She didn’t really speak English, which left me to figure out how to tell her I had uterine pain… in German. It involved a lot of gesturing, but the nurse managed to get the gist of what I was saying and directed me, with some pointing and a little repetition of the word, to “Gynäkologie.” At least I understood that this meant gynecology and I already had a decent idea of where to go. Randy had recently had to stay a night in the hospital and had been on the gynecology floor. So, away we went.

                We arrived and found a waiting room, where we sat… for a while. Randy went off, got breakfast from McDonald’s, and came back. We ate the food. Then someone asked us what we needed. We told them and then we waited some more, until finally we were told we could wait outside the doctor’s office. We sat there for a while still, until finally a brown-haired man showed up with a strange voice and friendly mannerisms to lead me into the examination room.

                Naturally, the first thing he grabbed when I told him I thought my IUD was having issues was, of course, the speculum. It was terrifying! I’d never seen a German speculum before! This thing looked freaking primitive! It was like two elongated, curved slabs of metal that didn’t even connect. I stared at them as if they were going to tear me apart, rather than just make it possible for the doctor to take a look at what was going on with my hoo-ha. He laughed and told me that they were normal and it would be fine, and then he began an attempt at taking a look to see the IUD and what was going on with it.

                The PAIN! Dear gods, the pain! It felt like there were barbs on the speculum, like it was driving into me like some kind of sick drill—like the drill you see in Atlantis: The Lost Empire when they’re trying to dig through that wall of stone and earth! The speculum—a device made of smooth, round-ended metal objects that ordinarily cause no pain whatsoever—was like the tongue of Hell trying to enter my body via some kind of Satanic induction. My entire body tensed as I tried to let it be, thinking it wouldn’t be so bad, it shouldn’t take that long, the doctor should find what he’s looking for soon enough, or it’ll stop hurting so much soon… My jaw clenched between exclamations of, “Ouch… Ouch… Ouch,” while I made the most valiant attempt at keeping my voice down because dammit, I wanted to know if my IUD was moved! Hell’s tongue or not, Satanic induction or Angelic intervention, I needed to know what was going on with my birth control and I was determined to endure whatever torture was necessary in order to find out!

                After a handful of “Ouch!” exclamations from me, the doctor pulled the speculum out and observed that I was too sensitive for the instrument. I concurred as politely as possible, while secretly thinking, Gee, you think?! What he said after that, though, surprised me. He said he would need to use the ultrasound to see the IUD and check for infection or displacement. I’d had a little bit of experience with ultrasound in that hospital—Germans seem to use it for just about everything—and so I acquiesced. The ultrasound couldn’t possibly be as painful as the speculum, right?

                This time, I was right. The ultrasound instrument was only slightly painful, and only upon insertion! Once in, it was simply cold and uncomfortable—things I could deal with rather easily, considering the Speculum of Death I’d just tried enduring. The doctor moved the stick-like device around, searching my cervix and uterus for the IUD to see if it had become infected or displaced itself somewhere inside. On a screen for my viewing pleasure was what he could see on his computer—the images produced by the ultrasound, as typical of what you would see with, really, any ultrasound, ever. But then, I saw this:

                “What the hell is that?!” I demanded immediately. Seriously, look at that thing! It looks like some kind of tumour! Oh, and I’ll also have you know that all of the information you see there about “19 w 4 d” and “17 w 3 d” wasn’t visible on the screen. This is a print-out.

                “You don’t know what that is?” the doctor asked, sounding equal parts amused and confused—as if he couldn’t understand how I might not know what that image was showing.

                “No. Is it a tumour?”

                “That is a pregnancy.”

                “No.” No. No, it isn’t. “No, it’s not. It can’t be.” No way in hell. I’m here to have my IUD checked. The IUD is there to prevent this! This guy’s messing with me. It’s the only way. That has to be a tumour or something. Definitely. “Is it alive?” I suppose this question was the best thing to ask, considering what was really going through my head was more along the lines of, “KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!”

                The doctor didn’t exactly respond right away. He repeated somewhere in there, “That is a baby,” but then was quiet as he let it hit me that I was, in fact, pregnant. After a few moments, the nurse asked if my husband was in the hall and if I wanted her to bring him in. I said yes, and she brought him.

                Of course, he recognized the image straight away and broke out into laughter immediately. The sudden, nearly-overwhelming urge to either punch him in the face or strangle him rose like a tide within me. He sat in the chair beside the bed upon which I lay prone and laughed into a hand. I wanted to kill him and told him so directly.

                We left the hospital knowing two things. First, I was 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Second, the baby was a girl. We had a follow-up appointment Monday with the doctor to determine if we would keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy. Upon reaching the car, however, I already knew that it was too late. I was already in the second trimester and I knew all too well what would go into an abortion at my stage of pregnancy. Just thinking about a tiny female being cut into pieces and ripped out of its incubator filled me with a sense of hesitancy. Could I live with myself, knowing that I had killed something that was most definitely alive, moving, and most likely developing normally?

                The answer was no. I couldn’t terminate this far along. I had stated once, in a discussion with a rather ignorant, “pro-life” friend of mine that I am okay with abortion up to 12 weeks for any reason at all. Here I was, sitting at 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant. 12 weeks was a good 6 weeks ago. At this point, the development was too far along for me to consider the abortion a humane process.

                Decision made! Randy and I decided we were going to have a baby.

                “Now we need to think of names.” The words almost caught me off guard as they came out of Randy’s mouth. Names? It’s a girl, what’s there to think about for names? I had this decided years ago.

                “Oh, Persephone Anne.” The words came out of their own accord, flippantly, without a thought. I didn’t know where the “Anne” came from, but Persephone had been pre-determined for years, despite my desire to never, ever spawn children of my own. I’d always figured, “If I get a chance to name a girl…”

                I went home that day with printed out ultrasound images like the one you see above. I posted them on Facebook, making them visible to a very limited, highly select group of people on my friends’ list, with the words, “Surprise! You’re not allowed to gloat. D:” A kind of dread filled my being the way gas fills a chamber—surrounding, suffocating, creating a strange kind of pressure that is difficult to identify on its own. This dread carried a terror that someone, anyone, who knew that I was pregnant would decide to rub the fact in my face with gloating words such as, “I told you so!” “I always knew it would happen!” “I knew you would change your mind!” and so on. I was terrified that someone would laugh at me. I had done what I could to prevent this situation! My situation was different from all of those parents who say “I’ll never have kids,” and then end up with kids! I had contraception—highly effective contraception that had worked consistently well for a full year! I didn’t want to be pregnant!

                The relief that came when nobody laughed at me was so great that I didn’t quite feel it. Instead of what one might associate with the feeling of relief, the sense of dreadful terror simply crawled away slowly, inching out of my being the way a viscous liquid might ooze through a drain. As more people found out about the pregnancy and still no one gloated in the way I feared they might, I began to relax. It helped also that my best friend and my mother-in-law were beside themselves with excitement that I would have a baby.

                I decided that I would keep the baby. My baby would not be put up for adoption, I would take care of it with my husband and we would raise her as well as we possibly could. It’s hard to come to terms with the idea of having a child, after so long of vehemently denying the very concept and actively working against pregnancy. You really have to evaluate where you are in life and what your own morals are. If someone else ever found herself in my position, I would not think less of her as a person if she decided to terminate the pregnancy.