A Letter to Self

Dear Ally,

This may be the longest letter I ever write. You are worth every word, every moment of effort put into this, just so you can see the words for yourself, from me. It's time to start seeing yourself as worthy of love, acceptance, and kindness.

It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to be unsure and it's okay not to know what's going to happen next, how long a chapter in your life will last, or when something will transition into a better thing. It's okay to be kind and loving to everyone, even those who are abusive, and it is okay to tell the truth, even if others do not like it or agree.

"If I encounter evil and I am not ready, I can still win if I do not compete." (Unknown.)

Now that you've processed and released your feelings towards him for what happened, it's time to recognize yourself. You've caught your reflection as you've written letter after letter to various individuals and personalities in your life. Now it's time I spoke to you.

The Gut may be overrated, but it is also underused by many. Many people have subscribed to "Head over Heart" thinking and have lost touch with their intuition and natural guidance in life. Darkness is attracted to those who lose touch with reality, and I watched you lose touch with yourself and sight of what's important to you. I watched you compromise your core values for him. Don't do that again.

You cannot sit back and wait for another person to read your mind. You cannot expect someone to know what you want all of the time. You were born in the United States of America, one country of many in the Americas whose culture is that of the low-context variety, meaning the assumption is that the person next to you differs in thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values. Yet, you operated as though you were brought up in a high-context culture, as though the people around you are supposed to share your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values, and you sat back as though in such a culture and expected people to read your mind. You're not in that kind of culture, and you don't have the power to change the culture in which you were raised, by yourself.

It takes action to change habits. Consistency is the only key and the only way to improve. Your emotions are powerful and you've allowed them to govern your actions. This is not acceptable; it never has been, nor will it ever be. There is merit to "Head over Heart" thinking, when used correctly. Keep improving your response, rather than trying to tailor your reaction. Forward thinking, planning, and prevention are the things that will get you the furthest in life. Lack of proper planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on part of another. Feel your emotions and allow them to course through you. Start using your head based on what you feel in your heart, and use your heart to know what's right when making forward-thinking decisions.

It's easier to see the ways you can improve now that you have a planner that outlines it for you. How convenient for you to have your journal right next to it in your bag. Every day has the most potential to be successful. Perhaps I don't need to point out your areas for improvement or tell you you're slacking. You've always been so quick to pick up your own shortcomings; this is something those around you seem to fail to notice, more often than not. You look at yourself more than others through this mirror I hold... and you know, although you are quite attentive to what really matters, you've been slacking here and there.

Bad habits die hard, especially when they've been reinforced. But it doesn't matter what you say or what anyone else says. Your expectations for the relationships you've had have been ridiculous, at times. You were certainly convinced he was "the one," that he was perfect for you. Although you've burned away the negativity and taken back the ill will in the form of guilt and shame, still you're hurt. What matters now is what you've done these past two months. You've been constructive, positive, and happy, and your daughter is picking it up. She's doing much better now, with you, than she was doing before.

It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to love yourself. You've given so much of yourself, you've forgotten who you are. You've compromised so much of yourself to change who you are to try pleasing someone else. What if he did that, too, to an extent? You believed in him wholeheartedly. You were on his team when everyone else told you things that put him in a bad light. You defended him against all of your friends. You believed he could be better, if only you could find the way to reach him and communicate effectively. Yes, he lied to you, but what if he truly believed he had good intentions? It's not about blame, at this point. It's about forgiveness and love. The love is still there, and it may always be. It's okay to still have love for him. Without that love, the relationship would not have begun in the first place. Without that love, your daughter wouldn't be here.

It does not do to let go of love. Instead, let go of the pain, the fear, the anger, the darkness. You've been so attracted to darkness for so long. Darkness can be beautiful and it can be useful, but think of your namesake, Ally. Think of the meaning behind your first name, derived from Alice: "Of a noble kind; noble; honorable." Next, think of your middle names' meanings; Virginia: "The maiden; virgin," and Marie: "Sea of bitterness/sorrow; rebellion; wished-for child; Mistress or Lady of the sea." Darkness is in your very name, preceded by light and innocence. There's a lot of light out there to be shared; we do not need others to feel our darkness. They are just as aware of it, through their own experiences.

I love you. Usually, I've said it to you more as a joke. I've sarcastically laughed and said, "I kill myself!" as a euphemism for laughing at your jokes for finding you hilarious. Briefly, in those moments, your confidence is greatly bolstered, and I shine for you. But then you retreat, almost as quickly as you came to surface. Back into whatever troubles you, whatever it is you've desperately been trying to make others see.

Do what you like to do, love. You enjoy cooking; you enjoy having a clean home. Even mundane chores are fun to you, when you've got the right groove going. Now, you've found people who help you into your groove. Hold on to them. Love them. Allow my daughter to love them. Love is never the problem, fear is. You have a lot of both, yet you've allowed fear to govern you for too long.

You're afraid of love. It's terrible, yet it's true. You're afraid to hear me tell you, earnestly, that I love you, yet here I am. I do. You're at your best when you accept me, and it's time. You can trust me. I will not lead you astray, and if I do, you already know I'll make it right immediately--or as immediately as possible.

If they dance with demons, let them have them. Those are not your demons; you needn't accept them into your life. Let others fall for the Glamour before their eyes; it is not your concern if you cannot enlighten them or open their eyes with kindness or good intentions. Go with love in all that you do and remember the Celtic blessing from the stranger on the street:

"Let those who love us, love us. For those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts so that they love us. For those who do not love us, whose hearts God cannot turn, then may God turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping." -Celtic Blessing (Unknown)

Love,
You

A Letter to My Former Husband

Dear Heartbreaker,

You don't deserve my thoughts or my emotions, yet you provoke me just enough to elicit repsonse. You know you do this because you're a Narcissist and everything you do is deliberate.

You told me you loved me. You told me you needed me. Then, without so much as wind of warning, you left me high and dry, wondering why we couldn't have gone to counseling to work through our issues. I was blessed to have our daughter with me.

You're a liar. Nothing you ever told me was true unless it was easily disproven, like your age, hometown, and other shallow information that only penetrates the peripheral layers of your self. Everything else was fabrication, deception, and manipulation.

I tried so hard to work with you. I did everything in my power to communicate effectively. Nothing was ever enough. You wouldn't stick to things you agreed to. You constantly told me things were "taken care of," but the moment we separated it was as though doors had opened and I was buried under the lies in the form of bills you'd left unpaid.

I worked up the courage to have you served. I thought to myself, "He told me he wanted to marry me all over again. This can be his opportunity to prove it." But, just like with bills, you proved that you're a liar, because you've never once asked me how I'm doing. You haven't once asked what I'm up to. When you first left, you ignored all of my posts about our daughter and our well-being. Now, you end every interaction you start with, "Deuces," and you spell it wrong.

My heart is broken, but I don't want your excuses anymore. I'm putting the pieces back together all by myself. You never once tried to help me put the pieces of my heart together in the first place; I simply had them taped in a group to try keeping the whole thing together in one place. Still, I think you took a piece or two when you went.

You can say whatever you want. You can give me the flimsy excuse that you "didn't have time," but I know that's a lie. All you do is lie and create bullshit excuses for your inappropriate behavior. I know what's real and what's not, since you've been gone, and you will never know how often my face leaks or doesn't over what I thought was supposed to be with you.

We were supposed to have a family. We were supposed to be an unstoppable force of love that would push forward and take the world by storm. Instead, you're a lazy piece of shit who wants to make excuses, lie on his ass, collect money he doesn't deserve, and spin tales of success that never happened.

I offered couples counseling multiple times. When I suggested it while we were together, you failed to follow through, just like you refused to drive me to my follow-up appointment after surgery and I totaled my car. Your response was less than sympathetic and I should have known then, like I should have known when you went behind my back to get formula for our newborn, that you do not care for me. You have no love for me. You have no respect for me.

Well, I have none of those things for you, either, anymore. Karma will find her way to you. I know you do a lot of innocuous tasks to keep her at bay, but she'll find you. She has her ways.

Sincerely,
The Woman Who Loved You Most.

Not an Advertisement: My Panda Planner

June was an exceptionally busy month and July is proving to be no slower. As I transition from having virtually nothing to do to being busy every day of the week, I count my blessings every morning. I'm lucky to have the help of the Panda Planner, purchased from Amazon at a discount of the original price and with free shipping thanks to Student Prime.

With the Panda Planner, I've been able to map out my month, my week, and every day as it occurs. It is exceptionally helpful for accomplishing tasks each day, as I write which tasks I really want to accomplish to the right of the "Day" pages. I write out my priorities on these pages, as well as my gratitude, my exitement, and an affirmation of myself.

I've been called a born saleswoman and I think that's true. The thing is, though, I don't try to sell things. What I promote is only that which directly benefits me; if it doesn't work for me, I don't talk about it in a way that may persuade others to make the same choices I did.

For example, people regularly think I'm trying to sell them a Kirby whenever I talk about vacuum cleaners. I was a Kirby saleswoman, but that doesn't mean I'm still trying to sell these wonderful pieces of equipment. Instead, I am trying to sell myself, and passion is in my nature. I am passionate about that which makes my life easier, and a Kirby vacuum system does that for me even though I no longer have one of my own. Therefore, any time I hear someone say they're looking for a new vacuum, I recommend the Kirby. Often, the response I get is a protest to the price of these exorbitantly expensive, luxury vacuum cleaning systems. That is why I tell them the following: Do not buy a Kirby from a Kirby salesman. Buy a Kirby from Amazon, as you can find a brand-new vacuum cleaning system for a third or less of the original price.

I mention this because the beginning of this entry may sound a little like an advertisement for the Panda Planner I recently purchased. The reason for this is because this planner really works for me and I am passionate about it for that reason. I want others to be able to lead the lives they really want to and accomplish their goals in a timely manner. The Panda Planner is honestly great for that and I absolutely recommend it with gusto to anyone who needs better organization in his or her life.

With my order of the Panda Planner, I purchased a Bellabe hair remover, and I will tell you, it works pretty well! There are some coarse hairs on my neck that it has difficulty grabbing, but I find it to be a bit tricky to use just right. It's definitely a simple tool and a more dexterous woman (or man!) may have a much easier time with it, but for me it is a little bit of a struggle. It is worth it, by far, however, when I manage to rip out multiple hairs at one time. For all of my struggling with the Bellabe, it is still more efficient than using tweezers only.

I love being able to use my planner to lay out "tomorrow" at the end of the day. I flip to the next page, input the next day, and fill in my projected schedule and tasks for the day. Everything else remains blank until morning, when I fill in my gratitude, excitement, focus, exercise, affirmation, and priorities. Before turning to the next day's pages, I fill in how I succeeded during the day and how I may improve myself for the next day. It's by far the best planner I've ever laid eyes on.

How To Identify Self-Victimizing Behavior and Stop Being A Victim

I have known many people during my short quarter-century of life who constantly play the victim. Some people call these individuals "psychic vampires," as they tend to suck you dry of your energy, time, and emotion. These are the people who never stop talking about how everyone has done them wrong. The people who say, "Woe is me," and, "So-and-so broke every promise ever and fucked me over this, that, and the other way."

Few people actually want to act like this. I have found that very few of the self-victimizers I know are that way by choice. Many of these people call out for help to end the suffering they perceive themselves undergoing. It is for this reason I am creating this list of identifiers of self-victimizing behavior patterns. I believe wholeheartedly in taking responsibility for your life and in order to do that, one must take responsibility for one's actions and thoughts.

I am by no means a mental health professional. I am not a counselor. I am a disabled veteran, I am a survivor of prolonged and varied abuse, I am a single mother, and I am a Paralegal student, but I am not a psychiatrist. These are based on my observations alone, but I believe they can be applied to anyone's situation and it is with the hope of helping others that I publish this entry.

Three ways to identify self-victimizing behavior and what you could do to stop it:

• Do you find yourself talking only about yourself, with no regard to your communication partner?
  Often, self-victimizing individuals will talk about themselves excessively. Pay attention to what you say. Become more self-aware. Doing so will help you identify the language you use when you open your mouth, which will allow you to put energy into changing your language to change your life and get out of the victim mentality.
• Do your thoughts and/or words often center around what other people are doing or saying?
  What is your next-door neighbor doing at this moment? What is your sister up to with that no-good circus clown? Don't you just hate how Jane stole your entire CD collection ten years ago? If you find yourself thinking more about what others are doing than what you're doing, or if you find yourself thinking more about how others treat you than how you treat them, you are likely stuck in a self-victimizing mentality. Instead of thinking about what people around you are doing, think about what you have to do for the day, the week, the month, and the year. What are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them? Do not think of what others are doing to help you, because others are not responsible for how you live your life or how you achieve your happiness. You are.
• Do you constantly ask people to spend time with you but also tell everyone how terrible all people are?
  It is exceptionally draining for people to put energy and effort into making another person feel better, particularly when the other person is expressing dislike with people in general. It pushes people away and the post that begs them to come back ends up sounding flaccid and insincere. Instead of complaining about how wrong you think everyone else is, think about the good things in your life. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food in your home that you can eat? Do you have a job or a career? Do you have pets or family members? Think of the good things and why you're grateful for them, instead of thinking about how disappointed you are in the perceived masses who ignore you or let you down.

Certainly, this is not an all-inclusive list of self-victimizing behaviors, but I do think it is a good place to start for people who wish to better themselves and be less draining on their loved ones and friends. This short list may give some insight to those who find themselves playing the victim more than they thought.

The Air Force believes in holistic health. This means that Airmen are encouraged to be healthy not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. Freedom of religion is fiercely protected and people from all walks of life and of all kinds of beliefs come together under the same core values to serve a common ally: Our nation, the United States of America. Since separating, I've become more aware of what holistic health really means and how we can achieve it.

Nothing worth doing is easy. You may have heard this phrase before, perhaps many times, and it is never wrong, in my experience. Recovery is never a linear journey. Even if we take a linear step and never fall back on it, we all experience moments of weakness, usually due to increased stress. We develop coping mechanisms, healthy and unhealthy, to help us through the hard times. Even I have an unhealthy coping mechanism. The point is, we must create our own happiness. No other person will do that for us and we cannot blame others for the way we feel, the choices we make, the thoughts we have, or the actions we take.

We must take responsibility for our own lives. I'm doing it for mine. Will you do it for yours?