On the Road to Health

Things have been changing for me as time progresses. I’ve been calm and generally happy, lately, which I would gladly attribute to my smoking marijuana. More than that, however, I’m happy because smoking usually gives me the munchies, but lately that hasn’t been the case. I’ve overeaten a lot lately regardless, but my realization that I’m no longer feeling the munchies feels significantly important to me, like the realization itself was the first step to making the health changes I need to.

            This morning, I woke up shortly after my alarm, rather than simply shutting it off and going back to sleep to await when I need to react and get up. I’m tired of living my life in a reactionary way; my goal is to live my life in a proactive and productive way, so it gave me a measure of pride to rise before 07:30. I cooked breakfast this morning; last night, I changed the bed sheets and folded a load of laundry. These are some recent things I consider successes in my life.

            My health is not at its peak. I’m sure I’ve gained weight again; I can feel it and I can see it in the mirror. The fat is in my face and I can’t un-see it when I take a selfie or look closely at myself in the mirror. Keeping the munchies at bay while smoking weed has been my dream since I started smoking weed; the fucking munchies ruin me. I binge-eat and hold it down rather than puking like I really feel like doing. It’s unhealthy and it needs to change and that’s a fact that has been solidified in my mind since taking my health and wellness class.

            It might help me to publicize my physical health journey. I feel as though I now have the ability to control what and how much I eat, more than ever before; part of that is my starting to cook. I cooked breakfast this morning; I can start cooking breakfast every day and gradually include lunch and/or dinner. This would give Randy a break from cooking and we wouldn’t go out as often, since the cooking burden would be shared.

            This blog would serve as a decent way to log my journey and I can begin now by reporting that I ate a handful of scrambled eggs with broccoli for breakfast and Wendy’s for lunch. I’m full now but I didn’t feel too stuffed after my fast food meal; moreover, we walked over to the thrift shop and wandered around it for a while to burn off some of the calories right away. I’m exhausted now because meandering around stores takes more energy than I understand; I did eat some dumplings with my friend Katherine, as well, as we smoked a blunt together after I took her to City Hall.

            I finished last week’s homework all on time, as well. One of my assignments was to create a blog entry about an infectious disease. I chose bacterial vaginosis and I’ve been considering posting it to my actual blog, as it is good information to spread but I’m not sure it’s the most relevant thing in the world. Not as relevant as, say, climate change, that’s for sure. My first assignment was a PowerPoint presentation on Alzheimer’s Disease. That’s another topic I considered blogging about, as I am at an elevated risk for the disease due to my great-grandma having dementia.

            My healing journey is progressing steadily, I think. I’m still taking Ziprasidone at night, which may also be helping my mood. I’m excited about the new development with my marijuana habit; not having the munchies makes it really easy to just drink water or some other beverage, instead of stuffing my face continuously.

Keeping On

Maintenance is the hardest thing in the world and its very idea often scares away any motivation that might come my way to get something significant accomplished. Every day is a struggle against myself.

            Yesterday and today, I did some laundry. Within the past few days, I cleaned the bathroom and the living room and hallway floor. Is there still more to do around the house? Yes. Is it still pretty intimidating? Yes. Do I still feel proud of what I have done? Yes.

            I managed to get through a load of laundry today. I folded and put away a whole load and while I can do more in a day, it is enough for me that today, I got that one load done. I also saw my psychiatrist and spoke with her about my medication, today.

            Many small goals exist in my mind, waiting to be made and achieved. Perhaps tomorrow, I will do two loads of laundry. Maybe I’ll sweep and scoop out the kitty litter. Maybe I’ll do all of those things. My next goal to meet, however, is walking the two miles to and from the 7-Eleven down the road from me.

            I can make all the progress I want. I can feel as proud as I want to about the small things I accomplish, but it remains true that I can’t stand going out by myself. As I pull myself together within my home and accomplish household chores as well as online schoolwork, I realize it may be a while before I am at a point in my health where I can go for a walk every single day with my dog and daughter.

            Maybe I’ll notice a great increase in my health during the summer, only for the opposite to be true in the winter. I’m observing these things because I want to be sure that I’m following the best path for my health. That begins with knowing what I’m battling.